I Take Requests : Mother and Child

Tuesday I asked my mother what she would like in the way of a sculpture. She surprised me with "The Madonna And Child."

Okey dokey. It's a little out of my league but here's my first shot at something like it. She seemed to like it.



Anyone else with a request?

"We've got a truckload of vibrators. Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

Aug 25, 4:44 PM (ET)

HANOI, Vietnam (AP) - Authorities in Vietnam's southern commercial hub of Ho Chi Minh City seized one ton of Chinese-made sex toys, aphrodisiacs and other sexual stimulants, state-controlled media reported Friday.

Police and market inspectors Thursday confiscated the illegal shipment, which included more than 10,000 tablets of Viagra, sex toys and sexual stimulants in the form of tablets, powder and liquid hidden in a truckload of onions, the Laborer newspaper said.

The newspaper quoted a truck driver Mai Ngoc Hoang as saying he was hired to transport the goods from the northern province of Lang Son bordering China to Ho Chi Minh City.

Hoang was detained for questioning and police are investigating the case, the report said.

~~
When I read this story I instantly thought "Wow, what kind of sexually repressed third world country would require someone to smuggle a load of sex toys to it?"

Then it hit me like a… well like something made of silicone: Alabama.

You can't buy a vib-er-ator in Alabammer.
~~

Immediately the mind flashes back to Artho Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant Massacre. I can envision the following scene:

I'm sitting on the group W bench with father stabbers… mother rapers… mother stabbers… father rapers!

One of the meanest ugliest nastiest of them all leans over and says to me "Whatcha in for?"

I says "smuggling a load of dildos across state lines."

And they all move away.

"and resisting arrest."

And they all move back and we sat there smokin' cigarettes and talking about mother stabbin', father rapin' and all sorts of groovy stuff when Alice…

Remember Alice? This is a song about Alice…

The War In Iraq

I just read a quote credited to "Native lore" which was used in the context of splitting the atom but I think works just as well to describe our predicament in Iraq.

"I've just caught a bear."

"Bring it to the village."

"It won't let me."

The Next Reality TV Show

I think the only serious hate mail I ever received about a post (or maybe it was a comment on the Smussyolay I can never remember) was when I suggested that TLC's little people, Big World star Matt Roloff was one dwarf who deserved to be tossed.

Then I backpedaled like crazy about being insensitive but restated that I thought he was rude to his wife and his parents on national TV (or at least on cable TV and subsequent DVD releases). It's rude to make insensitive comments too. Mea culpa again and personal apologies to Matt.

But it occurs to me that the next reality tv show could be a Sci-Fi release:

dwarf planet, Big Solar System.

It would chronicle the daily life of a former planet, kicked off the Island as it were, which is also a conjoined twin of Charon.

It's also got an alternative lifestyle orbit.

This means wackier neighbors than the other planets. Who knows, a passing comet could be the next Steve Urkel.

It would be a hoot. Set your TiVo.

~~

Credits:

Matt Roloff: http://tlc.discover.com

Pluto: http://space.cweb.nl/

Solar System: www.RFcafe.com

Urkel: http://urkel.n-chicken.net

Going Too Far

Pets…

I guess I feel that our dog is a member of our family. A junior member, to be sure, since we don’t involve her in most family decisions otherwise all discretionary funds would be spent on biscuits.

Yet I don't feel that our dog is an accessory or an ornament. Sure, folks will say "oh what a cute dog" similar to how other folks compliment Kelli on her wedding ring but we simply do not put our dog through the abject humiliation of parading her around as an attention seeking opportunity for us.

So we will not be buying any form of the PuppyPurse.

I learned about this at the Drudge Report and I had to investigate for myself. Sure enough if you go to CatsPlay.com you will find a wide variety of pet carriers including the Barktorias Secret.

Oh the humanity. Or caninity. Or whatever. Sick, sick, sick. Looks uncomfortable for the dog too.

And the price?

Not enough. People who think this is a good have too much money to only part with $100 for it.

UPDATE:
Here's an email directly from the Puppy Purse People:

Hi Eric,

Just saw your blog about the PuppyPurse.

Attractively disguised as an accessory, the PuppyPurse
is a safe and wonderful way to carry a small dog. Not
only our veterinarians but the veterinarian for Good
Morning America, Dr. Marty Becker, called the
PuppyPurse safe.  In fact, veterinarians have
recommended the PuppyPurse for dogs that have
difficulty walking or otherwise infirm.

While we don't think that dogs should always be
carried, the fact is that a lot of people carry their
small dogs - in their arms or in enclosed carriers.
PuppyPurse provides a safe, comfortable, versatile,
and attractive alternative.

Hedy & Suzanne

The Original PuppyPurse Carrier System
www.PuppyPurse.com
info@puppypurse.com
(201) 262-6878/(941) 485-7225
fax: 201-599-1511
PO Box 346, Oradell, NJ 07649 USA

When Things Are Not Funny

The night before last a distraught woman called 911 saying she wanted to kill her 1 and 2 year old boys.

The calltaker was flawless. After confirming the address with the caller she very matter of factly and actually quite pleasantly said "okay, well what's going on tonight?" The distraught woman said "Everything… I have no support from their dad, so come on over and arrest me." Then the phone went dead.

The calltaker rang back to the complainant. The caller answered "what do you want?" The calltaker said "are your kids okay, have you done anything to them yet?" The caller said "for now but I've had enough. I've had enough." The calltaker said "We're going to send someone to help you." The woman became hysterical and said "no, no, no, I've had enough. I have a knife and I've had enough." And she hung up the phone again.

Officers were already en route lights and sirens to the address.

The calltaker recalled and kept the woman on the phone. The caller was angry and upset and hysterical and kept saying she had not hurt the kids yet but she was going to; she had a knife; she'd had enough. The line went dead again.

The calltaker recalled a third time. The woman answered and was more evasive. Talked about writing a note and being unable to care for the boys financially. In the background the children could be heard babbling like children do.

The calltaker recalled an fourth time. An answering machine answered. The calltaker again left a message asking the woman to pick up the phone.

By that time the officers had arrived.

They kicked in the woman's door and found her poised over one of the children with a knife in her hand close to plunging the knife into the child.

Officers rushed her, secured the knife and secured her. An officer said over the radio that they had the woman in custody but were checking on the children.

That was probably the longest few seconds for the calltaker to wait.

Then the word came: The children were both fine.

The woman had written a "confession note" about killing her children on the back of the restraining order she had been served that day by the children's father.

Some of the responding officers later came up to dispatch (an unusual event in itself) to tell the calltaker and her supervisor that if the calltaker had not kept recalling and keeping the woman on the phone that likely both children would have been killed.

In the space of seven minutes my coworker, a woman whom I admire and whom I am proud to serve alongside, saved two lives.

Sometimes this 911 thing works.

This Week's Tenant: Perspectives of a Nomad

Quoth the Nomad:

My name is Scottage, and I’m the modern-day nomad. I’m from the United States, Philly originally though I have lived in 7 or 8 other cities as well, I have lived in the Middle East and Europe, and have visited Africa, the Soviet Union, South America other European countries, and every US State. All this traveling has given me a unique perspective on the world: often I’m on the left, sometimes I’m on the right, often I’m for peace, and sometimes I advocate less-than-peaceful solutions. But always I tell it like I see it, and I try to learn from the dialogue with other people who view my site. Come along on my latest journey, this one a journey of the mind.

Check 'im out HERE. He's got things to say.

Three's Company: The Ultimate Cast

I finally have an idea what to do with the Steve Buscemi figure.

Dress him as Ralph Furley, the ol' RF himself. Steve would be the perfect RF in a "Three's Company" blockbuster movie.


Who else would be in the all-star cast ?

You tell me. Here's my first choice as casting director:

Jack Tripper - Jason Ritter or Ben Stiller


Janet Wood- Mandy Moore


Chrissy Snow- Jessica Simpson

Cindy Snow - Jenny McCarthy


Terri Alden - Courtney Thorne-Smith



Larry Dallas - Will Ferrell

Stanley Roper - Jerry Stiller
Helen Roper - Anne Meara


Mr. Angelino - Robert DeNiro


Filipe Gomez - John Leguizamo


Lana Shields - Kathleen Turner


any other / better ideas ?

Caricatures are HARD (round two)

This is as close as I can get to Steve Buscemi tonight (round two).

Rick Emerson

J-bro has pestered me for years about listening to Portland, Oregon's own Rick Emerson. He's had streaming broadcasts for years but I'm too lazy to check the times etc. Well now he has podcasts.

Check out www.RickEmerson.com and go to the AV section for both video and audio options. This guy is good!

Speaking of which, who else has a favorite radio personality (I'm a big talk radio fan) who has podcasts available so I can check them out. Joc, any Chicago suggestions? John, anyone in Florida worth listening to?

And thanks again, J. It's good stuff.

This Week's Renter: Jessafran

Here are a couple of items of introduction about Jessica from the Buckeye State (I'm not sure what a Buckeye is but if it's anything like a "chicken eye" then I'm not interested – abstinence pledges be damned). But I digress. Heeeeere's Jessica:

She takes Flintstone vitamins.

She gives her phone number to guys one number off.

She can blow spit bubbles (oh the childhood horror that reminds me of)

She hates whistling and whistlers (Zz – you need to tell her about "hating the whistle but loving the whistler")

Her cat Winston has a drooling problem (it's okay, half my coworkers do too)

She would leave home to be a Neil Diamond groupie.

So with that knowledge, dontcha want to read her blog? Dontcha?

I knew you did, check it out HERE!

Caricatures are HARD!

Always aim well above your abilities.... that's what I say.

This is as close as I can get to Steve Buscemi tonight.
So much is wrong: lips, nose, hair...

I consider it maybe halfway done but the rest is hard work, fine tuning.

I gotta get to bed.

Add a shirt

taking some form. can't decide on props. any ideas?

Um, I'll have the Alfredo Sauce instead please.

An actual Fred Meyer Sunday ad. J-bro sent me the link and I'm stealin' his joke. Hilarious results of bad copy editing.

Golden Grain Mission Pasta Kotex
14-27 Maxi Pads, 18-20 Security Tampons, or 40-64 Lightdays Liners.
2 for $5

Although I suppose if you ripped open a package of pasta or a
package of Kotex and dumped them into boiling water, soon they would plump up
and get that "al dente" texture.

Yeeeeooooow!

Man Impaled by Steel Stake on Birthday
Reuters
Aug 4, 4:31 PM (ET)

NORTHAMPTON, Pa. (AP) - Enjoying a relaxing 54th birthday in the yard, Mike Colwell went to move the sprinkler, backing up momentarily to avoid the spray, toward a horseshoe pit with a 1-inch-thick rusty steel stake.

"My two heels hit the back wall of the pit. The next thing I know, this thing just tore through me," Colwell said.

As he fell on the stake, it pierced into his buttocks, fractured his pelvis, and came within a millimeter of his iliac artery, which carries blood to the body's lower extremities.

"I just felt something tearing right through my leg for 5 or 6 inches. I don't know how else to describe it. I just knew I had to concentrate on staying awake and not pull myself off the stake," he said.

Colwell yelled, and his wife, Linda, and daughter, Ashley, a nurse, came running. "I saw that he was impaled on this stake and bleeding. I just got on the phone and called 911," Ashley said.

Police and paramedics sawed at the stake while Colwell's son, Chris, 26, gripped it so it wouldn't cause more damage. An ambulance rushed Colwell to a waiting helicopter, which flew him to Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia.

Three surgeries later, Colwell, a Verizon lineman, was still in the hospital Thursday, hoping to go home on the weekend, and grateful for his luck. "A millimeter away and it could have buried me," he said by phone. Back at the house, Chris Colwell removed the horseshoe stakes from the yard, saying it was a game his dad rarely played.

Not A Vulcan, It's Joe Mantegna or Silvio Dante !

Here's my Kracov guy. Well, at least with a third of the work done. He's by far the largest piece I've done so I'm curious how I am going to set him up to bake without burning. We'll see.

Catchin' Up

It's been too long since I've written much of anything. I find myself incredibly busy (or maybe just more interested) with other things. I took on a work project which requires much more time than I anticipated. I have three or so sculpture projects in my head. I'm going through a lot of old CDs and transferring them to my computer – lots of oldies and goodies.

Anyone know of Todd Snider? His "Songs from the Daily Planet" was one of an enormous amount of music brought to me by the letter "T." Probably half the music I listen to with any regularity can be traced back to "T." She has great and varied taste and musical interests.

Anyway, Todd Snider's music is fantastic. It's a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. It's usually funny but some songs are very touching. It's been a long time since I listened to his stuff.

Then in the "S" section is the great Joe Satriani. I looked up his website and discovered that I missed the incarnation of G3 that included: Joe Satriani, Steve Vai, and … yes… wait for it. Yngwie J. Malmsteen. Oh yeah. Not Yngwie F. Malmsteen, but Yngwie J. Malmsteen.

Except Mr. Malmsteen is not so Yng-wee anymore. He's kinda Yng-jumbo. I know: pot-kettle-black, but he's… yes… wait for it…
still wearing 80's tight leather pants or spandex. Oh the horror.

He still plays really fast though. It's not as… well as emotive as either Joe Satriani or Steve Vai but I can't even form an F chord, so you go Yngwie! Far away as far as I'm concerned.

Rock On!

This Week's Tenant: The Evolution of Gina

Welcome my new tenant

The Evolution of Gina

Check her out. The reason I picked her (and sorry to all of you whose blog I did not pick) can be explained by a couple of quotes from her blog:

"No more wars, no more bloodshed. Peace unto you. Shalom, salaam, forever."
- Menachem Begin

Amen, brothers and sisters

.

In her Much / Not So Much feature:

Mel Gibson getting pulled over on a DWI? Much.
Mel Gibson getting pulled over and spewing anti-semetic slurs? Why are you so surprised?
He did make Passion of the Christ, didn't he? Okay, so would this have been a big deal if the cops were black and he did black slurs? Nobody would have said boo about it, so don't act like it's a big deal now. He's prejudiced. We all have our own within us whether we show it or hide it. Let he who has not told an off-colored joke cast the first stone.

So go over and tell her I sentcha!