M R I = U B TRAPPED

I'm hoping (for all sorts of obvious reasons) that the cardiac MRI performed on me today will come back with good news. It's not expected to come back with bad news so I'm not particularly worried on that front but there is a specific reason I want to bid my cardiologist 'goodbye.'

I do not want to have a cardiac MRI ever ever ever again.

It was not an "open" MRI machine.

I am, for the record, an "open" MRI shaped guy. Today they squeezed me into the equivalent of a culvert under a dirt road.

For an hour.

My arms were squeezed so close to my sides that both of my hands quickly "fell asleep" and by the end of the test I was seriously worried about permanent damage because I could no longer move several of my fingers or make a fist with either hand.

Also, there was a bit of dashed hopes in there too.

Because the test is an hour long they offer you a wide selection of music. Seriously wide. I could have chosen "Punk Rock," or "Booty Time," or nearly a hundred other categories.

My first choice was "Stand up Comedy" partly because I didn't feel comfortable enough to choose "Naughty Comedy."

This choice was quickly quashed on the grounds that laughing is discouraged during the test. Okay, no problem. Hmmmm. I don't even know what "Booty Time" is, except that it's in the "Urban" category. I guess folks in big cities listen to lots of rap and R/B. I noticed that they didn't have a "Rural" category but if they did I'd suspect you wouldn't be hearing a lot of songs by black artists. Evidently if you have a black singer in your band you are "Urban." Who knew?

By the way, let me remind you that one of the rockin'est rock bands in Rock History had a black singer: Phil Lynott of Thin Lizzy. But maybe he doesn't count because he was Irish.

There was not a category titled "Irish Rock," but if'n there was I would have picked it.

I ended up picking "Classic Rock." I like Led Zeppelin as much as the next guy and I haven't listened to most "classic rock" in quite some time so I figured this was as safe a choice as any.

As it turned out, it wouldn’t have mattered. I should have just picked "Booty Time" to see what all the fuss was. After a grand total of two songs the music system went tango-uniform.

Two songs.

"Magic Man" by Heart followed by a blues-rock guitar gravelly low-talking song (not Low Rider but close) whose name or artist or any meaningful lyrics totally escape me.

Then nothing. For an hour as my hands turned progressively into flippers I didn't get to hear any music. No distractions. Just me in my own head.

Not an entirely comforting place to be when my head starts to think of the various things I would need full control of my fingers to continue doing – my job, as only one example.

An hour later they slid me out of the machine and the blood flowed again to my fingers and a minute or so after that I had full digital dexterity. Whew.

Oh yeah and it cost a shit-load of money but I really can't complain about that part of it since my entire hospital stay last month was covered 100% by my insurance (I had met my maximum yearly co-pay due to the earlier belly-button repair surgery).

But I'm not volunteering to do it again soon if I can help it.

Now that I can cross my fingers again I'll do so until my follow-up on the 24^th.

~~

photos:

MRI unit http://www.strokecenter.org

Heart MRI picture: http://www.brighamandwomens.org/