Games People Play

Lots of sad things happen at my job. Lots and lots and lots. Too many to dwell on. Babies die heart-breaking deaths, children die accidental deaths, teenagers die stupid senseless deaths, adults die horribly sad deaths, the list goes on.

The first year or two, when all these tragedies are new, it has a heart-dampening effect on a dispatcher. After nearly ten years in, I’ve learned to use my feelings to either empathize with the families of the victims or as motivation to do my best to do the most efficient job I can thereby getting help to them as quickly as possible.

Then I leave the bad things at work. Nothing good comes from bringing the darkness home.

Happily, sometimes we get calls which are just so wonderfully absurd that they can brighten nearly any otherwise crappy day. Here are two such calls.

1) Picture it: It’s a lovely Monday 11:30AM on a spectacularly sunny summer Alaskan day. There is barely a cloud in the sky and the cartoon birds are chirping and landing on the outstretched cartoon fingers of cartoon women singing cartoonish songs.

Then the call comes in. A caller describes a scene right out of a movie: a rather large woman handcuffed a very skinny man, quickly shoved him in the trunk of her Saab, and drove off with him locked in the trunk. The calltaker quickly enters the call and the dispatcher immediately sends the area cars racing to intercept this abductor and rescue the victim. The first several officers arrived and performed a perfect felony traffic stop. They surrounded the car, weapons drawn, and ordered the woman out slowly. They had the woman back up to them and lay on the ground where they handcuffed her and took her to the back seat of a patrol car. Then they let the man out of the trunk.

Upon further investigation it was determined that this was not a felony crime but rather a… um… er… well… a nooner. What the witness reported turned out to be a fun little bondage game played between a consenting couple.

Lesson: Love the kink but keep it indoors or at least not in a public place. Also the man could have received a citation for not wearing a seatbelt.

~~

2 ) Skip merrily to today:

911 hang-up from a residence. The calltaker loads the call and then recalls the residence, getting an answering machine. She leaves a message that the police will be dropping by for a visit. She then recalls several minutes later to have a lovely conversation with an embarrassed gentleman.

Here’s my rendition of the call (this is not an actual transcript):

911: “We received a 911 call from your residence, what’s going on today?”

Male Resident: “Um, nothing.”

911: “Okaaaaay. Who called 911 then, did you misdial?”

Male: “Well… um… I did.”

911: “Is there someone else there with you?”

Male: “No, I’m alone now.”

911: “Okaaaay, so why did you call?”

Male: “I was sitting in my recliner and my wife jumped on me, knocking it backwards with her on top of me. Um… I told her if she didn’t get off of me that I would call 911. She didn’t so I called but she got off so I hung up.”

911: “So you were in a physical fight then?”

Male: “No, no… it was certainly not a fight. It was… um… (sigh) well, it was erotic playing gone awry.”

911: “Oooooooooh, I see. So you don’t need the police, fire department, or paramedics?”

Male: “No, no. I ... um… I just thought I hung up and the call did not go through.”

911: “Aaaaaaaah - Okay. Well if no one there needs the police I’ll go ahead and cancel the call.”

Male: “Yeah, I’m sorry I called.”

911: “Okay, well have a good day sir”

Male: “(chuckling with embarrassment) well I think I might in a little while.”

911: “ooooooooooo-kay, b’bye now”

Note: Yes we did talk to the female half a bit later, so it was determined to be a-okay.

Lesson: Like diamonds, 911 is forever. The second you hit that last “1,” we gotcha till we’re ready to let you go. A little like a bondage game of our own. But not as fun.

Play safe now,

Your buddy Eric.

~~

Pictures from:
http://www.imsplus.com/ims34.html
http://www.hawaii.gov/dot/publicaffairs/ciot/
http://sj.blacksteel.com/