Friday, January 27, 2006

Innocent Until Proven Icky

Once upon a time there was a man who ran a small local tour company who contracted with a Gigantic Global Cruise Ship Company to give the cruise ship passengers excursion tours throughout Alaska.

One day this man's picture appeared on the cover of the local newspaper with a story about how he was arrested for exposing himself to children in his neighborhood. This man's business immediately imploded. Gigantic Global Cruise Ship Company dropped him like a dog might shake its rear end to jettison a persistent dangling turd.

Here's the trick. He was found not guilty.

For the sake of the story let's call the man "John Smith. The caption under his photo in the newspaper might as well have read: John "Cap'n Creepy" Smith.

Here's the whole story (which might satisfy both Jeff and The Catapillar).

John Smith lived in Anchorage across the street from an apparently unoccupied apartment building. This building had been entirely vacant for months.

Being a hardworking businessman, Mr. Smith needed a period of relaxation late at night after a long stressful workday. He found this Zen relaxation by standing naked by his living room window, smoking cigarettes, and masturbating.

Clearly Mr. Smith was concentrating too much on his lower Chakras.

Unbeknownst to Mr. Smith a family moved into an apartment in the previously vacant building. Unfortunately for him, the family's 14 year old daughter's room had a clear view of his living room window.

Late one night the adolescent girl saw Mr. Smith playing with his own Mr. Johnson and she alerted her parents. The parents, clearly appalled, immediately decided to take the most appropriate action: they got their video camera and did a stake out in their daughter's room in order to take video of the evil sicko neighbor-man.

Did I mention that the lights in the girl's room had not been on at any time during any of Mr. Smith's dastardly deeds? Well, the newspaper didn't mention it either. What came out in trial was that Mr. Smith never knew he had an audience. The first he knew of any occupants in the building across the street from him was when a policeman slapped the cuffs on him.

When all the facts came out in the trial, he was found not guilty. For there to be a crime of this type there has to be intent. If you don't know you are exposing yourself to children and if you in fact have the reasonable right to believe that you are not exposing yourself to anyone, then you cannot be held responsible.

The parents could have solved the problem by flipping on the light switch in their daughter's room.

Now you may be thinking, Jeez Eric, Mr. Smith is a weirdo and I wouldn't want him living across the street from my family. Sure, makes sense. But the trick is: who knows what goes on in the houses or apartment buildings across your street right now?

Mr. Smith could have avoided his whole problem with a nice window treatment.

But this guy had his business ruined and his name smeared through the mud in a very public way for what? A wank without the drapes drawn.

What the guy needed a girlfriend and a package of Nicorette.



Hannibal said...

Maybe Pee Wee Herman could put out a special DVD titled

For the Sexually Inappropriate!
subtitled: Public behaviors that just might ruin your reputation and career, maybe even help it! Hosted by PEE WEE Herman: Special guest appearances: Rob Lowe, Paris Hilton, Pam & Tommy Lee, R. Kelly, Roman Polanski, Fatty Arbuckle and many many more.
Special bonus interview: Michael Jackson why its ok to sleep with kids!!

Still Searching... said...

Hmmm. Interesting. I do agree with you though. He wasn't doing anything others don't do in the privacy of their bedrooms, and could have avoided this whole mess by closing the curtains. I do wonder though, why he chose to do it in front of an uncovered window. I understand that he didn't know there was anybody living there but most would take the precaution anyway.

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work Buy buspar online.html Erectile dysfunction foods Book corp email guest marketing page Discount large area rugs for teen girls Delivery fioricet ups depression stopping lexapro search scholarship Panasonic phone headsets frigidaire gallery refrigerator Flw supplements

Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info » » »

Anonymous said...

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! » » »

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » »