The Suicide Song

Sort of a twangy country song. The more twang you can get into your voice, the better it rhymes. If I was in any way musically inclined, I'd be singing this at the Scruffy The Brain Eating Dog book readings.

~~

When you’re feeling down and out
And your troubles have increased
You just might think of checking out
To give yourself some peace,
But while you’re feeling crappy
And pitying yourself
You’re forgetting that your suicide
will impact someone else

if you slit your wrist with razors
will your family find you in the tub?
Would you really subject that ugly sight
To someone that you love
Or if they don’t discover you
Well that is even worse
apartment managers have more to do
Than deal with your corpse

CHORUS:
I don’t want you to kill yourself
I don’t want you to die
It’s not that I think you’re all that great
Or I’m such a humane guy
suicide is not the right path for the depressed
And I don’t want to have to clean up all your fucking mess

Don’t take a bunch of Tylenol
As an overdose attempt
It’ll probably be successful
But it’ll make you feel like heck
You’ll spend days and days lingering
On the painful road to death
And while you’re having second thoughts
You’ll be taking your last breath

Don’t jump off of a building
And swan dive to the ground
You’ll scare the hell out of pedestrians
And slow traffic all around
If you land on someone’s car
You’ll ruin their whole day
Because their auto insurance man
Will refuse to pay their claim

CHORUS

Don’t hang yourself like a piñata
And try to break your neck
You might not get the whole thing right
And strangle yourself instead
Plus if you are not fully dressed
responders might mistake your plan
as auto-erotic asphyxiation:
Death at your own hand

Don’t shoot yourself with a firearm
That’s not the way to go
While it’s sometimes quite effective
The mess is incred-i-ble
And you’d be surprised how often
That people tend to miss
And turn themselves into vegetables
Or brain damage victims

CHORUS

Don’t hide in the industrial compacter
At the business where you work
Your co-workers will hate you
And think you’re such a jerk
Cuz when they push the button
To mash their garbage down
They’ll hear your high-pitched wailing screams
And other squishing sounds

Don’t drive off an embankment
Don’t jump off a landing at the mall
Don’t aim a gun at a po-lice man
Don’t do those things at all
Don’t step off a platform
In front of a moving train
Don’t drink that liquid plumber
Use it for the drain

CHORUS
Maybe twice… audience participation.. eight minute drum solo, etc..