Never had 'em. Really.

Yesterday I got a call at work from a woman who was being (pardon the unfortunate pun) discharged from the local mental hospital but wanted paramedics to come and look at her hemorrhoids.

I reported this to my coworkers, one of which immediately said
"Eric, sing a hemorrhoid song. You must have a hemorrhoid song. "

Well, I didn't at that moment.

About three minutes later I had the first verse. By the end of the day, between 911 calls, I had much of the rest.

I don't know why, but when I sang the first verse I did this Billie Holiday voice almost to the tune of Aint Misbehavin'. I don't think I've ever done a Billie Holiday voice before (and I'm about the worst singer this side of William Hung) but it worked out nicely.

So here it is, the act that you've all been waiting for. Allow me to introduce, all the way from the Last Frontier, the one, the only, Preparation E and the Ointments singing the song which will surely make it to the top of the charts:

~~
My Hemorrhoids
~~

You’ve got me hurtin’
and quite annoyed
You’re chaffed and burnin’,
my hemorrhoids
oh I hate you, my hemorrhoids

I’m goin' to the doctor,
so he can inspect 'em
I’m surely hopin'
it’s not a prolapsed rectum
oh I hate you, my hemorrhoids

Well - I’m not too happy
‘bout the swollen tissue
and when you’re gone
I know I won't miss you
oh I hate you, my hemorrhoids

Some think I’m a whiner
And I’m just complainin'
But they’ll be in my shoes
if they continue strainin'
And they’ll hate them, their hemorrhoids

Oh yes they'll hate them, their hemorrhoids

We all hate them - our hem... orrh... oiiiiiiiids