Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Rules

When I was a young bright-eyed and bushy tailed recruit, going on ten years ago, a trainer gave me three rules to live by:

1. Never let anyone borrow your car. In my jurisdiction if you give someone the keys to go to the store for milk and they don’t come back, the car is NEVER going to be listed as a stolen car. Some jurisdictions recognize the term “fail to return” and will list vehicle that way in their state computers and will use that as probable cause to pull the vehicles over. We don’t. You give someone the keys and you give them the right to use your car forever. This is very disappointing news to callers.

2. Never let anyone stay at your residence for more than two nights. Guests become tenants in just a few days in our jurisdiction. The difference between a guest and a tenant is that you can boot a guest out of your house if you become angered, irritated, or bored with them. Tenants have to be given 30 day eviction notices, even if there is no rent money involved. It’s kind of like inviting a vampire into your house, but with less biting (hopefully). Also disappointing.

3. Never get married. I live in a community property state. This means (to the Po-Po) that everything is jointly and separately owned by both spouses. The consequence of this is that if your wife gets mad at you and decides to… oh, I don’t know… cut the crotches out of all your pants or take your prized autographed baseball bat to your prized car, then you are SOL (spit outta luck).

Of course I eventually broke all three rules. At least I knew the consequences beforehand.

There was a fourth rule but it’s not universally applicable.

4. Marry someone who works for the department. Then cheat on them with someone who also works for the department.

This was more of a tradition than a strict rule (like hunting for eggs on Easter).
This is one tradition I do not observe, although there’s quite a record of observance in the department. There are no ornaments to hang or special carols to sing, but there is something to be said for traditions.


Jaws said...

"Never let anyone stay at your residence for more than two nights"

This one scares me. Well it had been before you posted but after we move my husbands sister is gonna come with her 2 kids and stay with us a short while. OYE. She never stays anywhere a short while. Her kids are MONSTERS! I love kids. I really do. But her kids.. I think Imight move out before she does it this really happenes.

jen said...

being of a generally salacious nature, i'd like to hear some stories about item #4. hearsay, gossip, and totally made-up s**t will be fine, please and thank you.

(oh, do you take requests??)


nita said...

that whole work thing. i can't believe it when it happens and bam! it does. truly.wildly.deeply.stupid. and wrong!

and in vermont it's called 'borrowing a vehicle without the owner's consent' and it's a misdemeanor :)

RagDoll said...

Ah traditions. The office would have less to talk about without em! Thanks for the blogmark! Mind if I add you to my list of EMS shenanigans? Great writing, I'll be checking in often!