Friday, February 29, 2008

Madness, Mayhem, and a Side of Slaw

Robber wields spork, police say

A man accused of attempting an armed robbery with what appears to have been a spork was arrested Monday night, when police say they placed him at the scene of the crime through the use of KFC bags, according to Anchorage police.

Police responding to the intersection of 11th Avenue and Turpin Street at about 10:30 p.m. were told the robber tried to grab at the victim's watch, managing to unlatch it but not get it off his wrist, police Lt. Paul Honeman said. The suspect fled without stealing anything, he said.

Police located an intoxicated Peter Albert, 52, a few blocks away with a small pocketknife as well as a backpack containing a KFC bag and some sporks -- plastic spoon/fork hybrids, he said.

Police found other KFC products discarded at the scene of the robbery, Honeman said.

Though the victim reported the robber was swinging a pocketknife, the weapon may have in fact been a spork based on the four parallel scratches officers found on the victim's side, Honeman said. Police have not ruled out a knife was used, however.

Albert was being held at the Anchorage jail in lieu of $5,000 bail on a charge of first-degree robbery.

I'm not suggesting it would be fun to be shanked with a spork but if you examine the contents of any random bag of KFC I wonder how far down the list the spork would be in terms of things which are deadly.

1. chicken injected with enough fat and chemicals that, while tasty, it will make your poop turn green.

2. mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans in sauce - carbs carbs carbs

In fact, that stick they use for the corn on the cob is probably more deadly than the spork.

Yet its just this kind of resourcefulness which gives me hope for the survival of society. If this suspect had used his ingenuity for the forces of good we'd already have solved this global warming problem and I'd be spending my time sharpening sporks to fend off all the polar bears.

Or not.


Friday, February 22, 2008

A World Away

I listen to the audio version of the New York Times nearly every weekday morning. Monday the 18th I heard a story which made me do an audio double-take.

The story by Taimoor Shah and Carlotta Gall was headlined:

At Least 80 Are Killed in Afghan Suicide Bombing

Aww.. that’s horrible, 80 people.

Another piece of the story (skipping down a couple of paragraphs):

“The governor of Kandahar Province, Asadullah Khaled, said 80 people had died and more than 90 had been wounded….

“’This is the action of the enemies of our country,’ Mr. Khaled said. ‘They do not let Afghans enjoy their lives and have a peaceful life....’"

Fair enough. But what kind of peaceful life were these poor victims enjoying at the time of the carnage? Back to the first line of the story:

"...A suicide bomber blew himself up in a large crowd gathered at a dogfighting event just outside this city in southern Afghanistan, killing about 80 people and wounding more than 90 others in the country’s worst single bombing since 2001...."

Dogfighting? What the fuck? I’m not a borderline crazy animal advocate like my lovely wife but dogfighting? Uncool. Granted you shouldn’t be blown up but it woke me up to what kind of backward country Afghanistan still is.

Incidentally I never knew dogfighting was one word. I guess it’s like horseracing but Word doesn’t like it. Oh well, you learn something new every day. Like this:

“...Thousands of people were watching the dogs fighting, including young children and old people. Some people were selling things like oranges and tea and other food from stalls. People had come from different parts of Kandahar Province....”

Perhaps we could introduce more humane sports while we are hunting for Bin Laden. Imagine Tomahawk missiles with payloads of basketballs, baseballs, and even footballs.

Hey, perhaps Michael Vick could play quarterback for the Tora Bora Titans when he gets out of the pokey.

Separated At Birth: Skinny G Edition

Skinny G & Lisa Loeb?

You never see them together.

This picture is of Skinny G, Alaskan singer/songwriter Adele Morgan and, evidently, Will Truman. If you squint you can see Jack and Karen in the background too.

incidentally: Dave's mom wears army boots. really. all the time.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Spoiled by DVR

Yesterday Kelli and I were in the car headed to pick up SugarBaby from her annual dental cleaning when Exile’s “I Want to Kiss You All Over” came on the radio.

It’s one of Kelli’s favorite songs but since we were just pulling into the vet’s office we could only hear the first minute of it. Kelli mentioned how she wished she could hit the “pause” button and resume or replay it after picking up the dog.

It turns out the 2008 Cadillac CTS has just such a feature, at least according to the commercial where the guy says the Cadi makes him feel like Mohammed Ali. No, not old and shaky but the old Ali – quick and powerful.

Anyway, this is an example of how DVR has ruined us. I can hardly watch live TV any more and when I do I constantly rewind to show Kelli something or pause to “hit the ladies” (use the bathroom). Kelli doesn't even necessarily want things replayed for her.

I’ve been known to pause live TV and wash dishes or some other chore just so I can come back in 15 minutes and skip the commercials for the rest of the show.

Soon I’ll be impatient enough to want to pause real life. Just hit the pause button and get back to whatever situation as the mood suits me.

I’d fast forward through dentist appointments and use the “slow” button for when the alarm rings in the morning.

And perhaps this is why I haven’t posted a blog entry since the SuperBowl, I was on “pause.”

Now I’m back, babies.

But not in a creepy way.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Congratulations NY Giants

I'm not going to pretend that I'm normally a NYG fan but the Giants defense was great all game and Eli Manning delivered when it counted.

And does anyone know what happens to all those suddenly incorrect "New England Patriots Superbowl XLII Champions" hats and t-shirts ? Are there going to be a lot of the homeless sporting Tom Brady clothing next week?