Story Flashback: This is why I cannot write fiction

The day before yesterday a woman called the police appalled and feeling violated because one of her neighbors, who all hate her, drugged and castrated her favorite horse.

An officer responded and, after a very un-CSI-like investigation determined that, and I mention now that this is a completely true story, the horse had not been violated but instead was very cold.

The junk just disappears inside the body cavity apparently

No wonder those guys can run so fast. I could too if I could raise and lock my “landing gear” away.

You never see a grandfather clock running down the street

Something to consider.

~~

Photos:
http://www.imh.org
http://black-glass.org/
http://www.tech.purdue.edu/At/Courses/AEML/
http://www.theclockdepot.com/ashley.html

Madness, Mayhem, and a Side of Slaw - The Verdict

The robber I posted about February 29, 2008 has been convicted and sentenced to a YEAR in jail for the spork attack.

Spork assault nets man prison

Anchorage Daily News

Published: October 17th, 2008 01:54 AM
Last Modified: October 17th, 2008 07:53 AM

A man who stabbed another man with a spork, a combination fork and spoon, earlier this year in what police said was an attempted robbery was sentenced Thursday to a year in prison for felony assault. (read the rest of the story HERE)

Heres' the original tale and my take on it:

Robber wields spork, police say

Anchorage Daily News

Published: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM
Last Modified: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM

A man accused of attempting an armed robbery with what appears to have been a spork was arrested Monday night, when police say they placed him at the scene of the crime through the use of KFC bags, according to Anchorage police.

Police responding to the intersection of 11th Avenue and Turpin Street at about 10:30 p.m. were told the robber tried to grab at the victim's watch, managing to unlatch it but not get it off his wrist, police Lt. Paul Honeman said. The suspect fled without stealing anything, he said.

Police located an intoxicated Peter Albert, 52, a few blocks away with a small pocketknife as well as a backpack containing a KFC bag and some sporks -- plastic spoon/fork hybrids, he said.

Police found other KFC products discarded at the scene of the robbery, Honeman said.

Though the victim reported the robber was swinging a pocketknife, the weapon may have in fact been a spork based on the four parallel scratches officers found on the victim's side, Honeman said. Police have not ruled out a knife was used, however.

Albert was being held at the Anchorage jail in lieu of $5,000 bail on a charge of first-degree robbery.

I'm not suggesting it would be fun to be shanked with a spork but if you examine the contents of any random bag of KFC I wonder how far down the list the spork would be in terms of things which are deadly.

1. chicken injected with enough fat and chemicals that, while tasty, it will make your poop turn green.

2. mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans in sauce - carbs carbs carbs

In fact, that stick they use for the corn on the cob is probably more deadly than the spork.

Yet its just this kind of resourcefulness which gives me hope for the survival of society. If this suspect had used his ingenuity for the forces of good we'd already have solved this global warming problem and I'd be spending my time sharpening sporks to fend off all the polar bears.

Or not.

photo: http://blogs.townonline.com/somerville/?p=11241

Braking News!!

Today’s safety tip brought to you by the return of The Summer of Love.

Yesterday there was a 4 car accident in our fair city caused by the second most dangerous type of driver*. This female driver was DWBB, Driving While Bell Bottomed.

The driver caused the accident when she tried to brake to avoid a vehicle which had slowed quickly in front of her. Unfortunately she got the leg of her flared jeans caught on the gas pedal as she was trying to move her foot from the gas to the brake. A chain reaction ensued, fortunately causing no injuries, just vehicle damage.

Beware of flares – they are unsafe at any speed.

*The number one most dangerous driver is one who text messages while they are driving. Talking on the phone is bad enough but text-messaging?? One might as well be playing with your PlayStationPortable and cooking in your Easy Bake Oven on the highway. Mo-rons.

~

Incidentally, being a typical Los Anchorage accident it involved:

a Toyota Highlander,

a Ford Explorer,

a Honda Civic, and

a Landrover.

In Alaska those whose vehicles are more “green” end up getting black and blue in traffic accidents.

Addressing An Important Problem

Caller: I need help

Police: What’s your address?

Caller: 1234 Main St

Police: Is that a house or an apartment?

Caller: an apartment

Police: (incredulous after all these years) is there an apartment number?

Caller: number 8

This exchange happens at least dozen times a day, every day and it drives me crazy.

The hint is when I ask you if you are in a house or an apartment.
You’re supposed to say, “oh yes. I’m sorry. I should have mentioned I am in apartment 8.”

Your apartment number is

ALWAYS

part of your address.

Tack this up next to your phone if you need the reminder.

**
Oh and these are just regular ol' business line calls, not 911.

Madness, Mayhem, and a Side of Slaw

Robber wields spork, police say

Anchorage Daily News

Published: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM
Last Modified: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM

A man accused of attempting an armed robbery with what appears to have been a spork was arrested Monday night, when police say they placed him at the scene of the crime through the use of KFC bags, according to Anchorage police.

Police responding to the intersection of 11th Avenue and Turpin Street at about 10:30 p.m. were told the robber tried to grab at the victim's watch, managing to unlatch it but not get it off his wrist, police Lt. Paul Honeman said. The suspect fled without stealing anything, he said.

Police located an intoxicated Peter Albert, 52, a few blocks away with a small pocketknife as well as a backpack containing a KFC bag and some sporks -- plastic spoon/fork hybrids, he said.

Police found other KFC products discarded at the scene of the robbery, Honeman said.

Though the victim reported the robber was swinging a pocketknife, the weapon may have in fact been a spork based on the four parallel scratches officers found on the victim's side, Honeman said. Police have not ruled out a knife was used, however.

Albert was being held at the Anchorage jail in lieu of $5,000 bail on a charge of first-degree robbery.

I'm not suggesting it would be fun to be shanked with a spork but if you examine the contents of any random bag of KFC I wonder how far down the list the spork would be in terms of things which are deadly.

1. chicken injected with enough fat and chemicals that, while tasty, it will make your poop turn green.

2. mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans in sauce - carbs carbs carbs

In fact, that stick they use for the corn on the cob is probably more deadly than the spork.

Yet its just this kind of resourcefulness which gives me hope for the survival of society. If this suspect had used his ingenuity for the forces of good we'd already have solved this global warming problem and I'd be spending my time sharpening sporks to fend off all the polar bears.

Or not.

photo: http://blogs.townonline.com/somerville/?p=11241

All Tied Up - My Take

To Untie or Not To Untie... Here's the question

My thoughts:

1) I am certain I would call 911.

2) In the time it took for the phone to be answered I would take a look around and confirm where I am. This is a must. There are so many folks who call without knowing where they are.

3) I’m pretty sure I’d stay there, definitely if I was in a vehicle. My dog is little and she’s blind so she would not provide me any security.

4) My personal security trumps the security of the tied up person. I am not going to walk into the garage. No effin’ way. I’m happy to call for help right freakin’ now but I’m not going to put myself in a house not my own where the bad guy is potentially still there.

5) I’m not so sure I’d untie the person in the car. Here’s why:

a) it’s a crime scene

b) in my jurisdiction, help will be there pretty darn quick

c) someone took the time to tie this person up. Was it so this person wouldn’t get away or was it so the other person *could* get away.

If you see an older white male with kind eyes and excellent diction tied to a hand-truck do you think it’s robbery victim grandpa or that it’s Hannibal Lecter?

Which then leads me to think about race and age. Would my actions change based upon these things? I’d hope not but I honestly think I might make a snap judgment based upon the subject’s number of tattoos, piercings, and clothing choices. Does this make me a bad person?

Dunno but it makes me a cautious person. How about you?

~~ And to answer John: these scenarios are based upon real events. In the style of Car Talk Puzzlers, I've added a heaping helping of obfuscation. This is to avoid the potential of spilling beans.

All Tied Up

These situations are fictional. Any resemblance to past, present, or future situations are completely coincidental. That being said, what would you do?

Situation #1: Say you are walking your dog and notice a neighbor’s garage door is partially open. Nothing else appears amiss so you continue your walk. Several hours later you walk the dog again and the garage door has not been closed. Being curious you look, from the street, under the door and notice someone tied to a chair which has been knocked over. The person is squirming to untie him or herself.

Situation #2: As you drive out of your neighborhood you notice a car parked along the road. There’s nothing special about the car but the fact that it’s parked along the road instead of in a driveway makes it more noticeable. When you drive back home hours later the car is still there so you drive past more slowly and look inside. In the back seat you see a subject hog-tied and when they see that you have stopped, they look at you pleadingly.

I’m going to assume that you are going to call 911 in both situations. This is not a business-line police call and I’m assuming you agree that you shouldn’t just go home and blog about it without rendering some sort of aid.

Under those rules, I have a couple of questions and they apply to both situations:

Assuming the subject was restrained but not having any difficulty breathing would you attempt to untie the person?

Would it make a difference whether the person was a male or a female?

Would it make a difference whether the person was a young adult or an elderly person?

Would it make a difference whether the person was Caucasian or a minority? Would any particular minority change your mind?

I have definite thoughts but I’m curious what YOU think.

photo: Severance - British Horror Movie

sometimes it's them, sometimes it's us

Them:

I took a call Friday at 10:00am from a guy reporting his wife as a missing person. They have a paper route and she got up at 02:30 to start the delivery process and he was too sick or too tired or both to do the route so she left by herself in something of a huff over his lack of participation. When he woke up just before 10, he became concerned because even angry she should have been home by then. The newspaper wasn’t very helpful telling him if there were complaints about missed papers.

So I started colleting information and I got to the part of the conversation which goes: does she have another job?

Caller: yeah, she works for the State, the Department of (Blah blah blah).

Me: um, would she normally be at work right now?

Caller: uuuuuuuum. wait. Yes, yes she should. It's Friday, right? Oh man, I thought it was Saturday.

Another missing person case closed.

Us:

A coworker got a call about a male and female having a physical fight inside a vehicle. To clarify what was actually happening we are trained to elicit specific details. Unfortunately in the heat of the moment a calltaker might choose the wrong words.

Calltaker: You saw them physically fighting? Okay, tell me what you saw: was he slapping her or, um, fisting her?

Eeeyow.

‘Tis the Season

Call it lack of sleep. Blame it on it being my Friday.

Perhaps it’s because I have a lot on my plate, what with closing on the house next week and getting read to move.

What ever the case, today on the radio – broadcast city wide – I gave out a locate for some females in a vehicle smoking marijuanica.

Yes, like Adam Sandler said, marijuanica.

And the joy of saying something incredibly stupid in the beginning of a broadcast is that you just have to suck it up, correct yourself, then keep talking and refrain from laughing, swearing, or crying until after the transmission is complete.

It could have been worse though. Many years ago I sent an officer to a motor vehicle accident involving a Ford Escort versus a Suzuki Grand Viagra. A coworker instantly suggested that the Suzuki came standard with a lift kit.

Just when I thought I'd heard everything...

from the lovely Associated Press, courtesy of the South Bend Tribune
and reason #246 why I would rather be a dispatcher than a cop:

Swarm of Fleas Attack Police Officers
Oct 19 04:51 PM US/Eastern

SOUTH BEND, Ind. (AP) - Four officers investigating a burglary were attacked, not by a fleeing burglar, but a swarm of fleas in a filth-ridden vacant house.

The tiny, biting attackers were so overwhelming that the South Bend patrolmen had to be decontaminated and ended up being sent home early from their shifts.

"They were all over the place—in our socks and even in our shorts. It was disgusting," said Cpl. Ken Stuart.

To avoid infesting their squad cars, the police station or relatives, Stuart, Cpl. Chris Slager and Patrolman Paul Strabavy endured a lengthy flea decontamination process.

A van took them back to the station, where the men showered with flea/lice shampoo and soap. A wife of one of the officers brought them spare clothes.

As many as seven officers helped with the decontamination on Sunday.

"The guys were very angry. The last thing they wanted to deal with was fleas," said Sgt. Chuck Stokes. "That killed the whole shift."

Stokes said the house's tenants had recently been evicted, but returned periodically to feed a dog tied up in the backyard and allowed it to run around inside the garbage-filled house.

Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

I read a headline in the Raleigh News & Observer today which caught my eye:

Couple Accused of Sex in a Cemetery

My first thought was “why is this news?”

Upon further review this isn’t just greasy kid stuff (the woman suspect is 51 years old and the male suspect is 37 years old - again with those saucy Red Hat Ladies!).

In North Carolina (motto: "Esse Quam Videri" which is Latin for “don’t do it in the boneyard”) having sex in a cemetery is considered Crimes Against Nature and is a felony.

Crimes Against Nature?

This summer we had a call about a loud juvenile party in a gated community of multi-million dollar homes in the Los Anchorage suburbs. Upon arriving the officers discovered several juveniles who were under the influence of fungal hallucinogens. Several were naked and one was having sex with a hole in the ground. Yes. Screwin’ the lawn.

Now that’s a crime against nature.

The Ability Doesn’t Give You The Right

This would be as if I used the special Po-Po computers to look up friends, neighbors, etc. Or if someone cut me off in traffic and I use the DMV records to track them down. Bad, bad, bad. And improper. And possibly illegal. And I wouldn't do such a thing.

I will note that the ability vs. right comment refers to the adultery too, but this is mostly a stained underwear story.

Scientist Tests Husband's DNA, Fidelity

(found at Guardian UK via the Drudge Report)

Wednesday July 4, 2007 1:46 AM

by KATHY BARKS HOFFMAN
Associated Press Writer

LANSING, Mich. (AP) - A state forensics scientist who said she tested DNA in her husband's underwear to find out whether he was cheating could be disciplined if investigators determine she violated the use of state equipment.

Ann Chamberlain-Gordon of Okemos testified in a March 7 divorce hearing that she ran the test in September on the underwear of Charles Gordon Jr. Asked by his attorney what she found, she answered: ``Another female. It wasn't me.''

She also said during a May 25 hearing in Ingham County Family Court that she

ran the test on her own time with chemicals that were set to be thrown away.
Michigan State Police, which oversees the Lansing forensics lab where Chamberlain-Gordon works, started to investigate her after her husband's attorney wrote to authorities and media outlets questioning how many times DNA tests have been improperly run.

Investigators expect to decide by next week what they found. Her duties have not been restricted during the investigation, state police spokeswoman Shanon Akans said Tuesday.

``We don't know exactly what was or wasn't done,'' Akans said.
State police policies on the care and use of property say ``department supplies, materials or equipment shall not be used for any non-duty or non-department purpose.''

A request for comment was left Tuesday with Chamberlain-Gordon.
Charles Gordon's attorney, Michael Maddaloni, said Tuesday that his client disputed his wife's testimony that he acknowledged a sexual encounter with another woman
after she found the female DNA on his underwear...

...

Note: this entry was posted from a computer I own, not one owned by the government.

photos: Stains
Toxic fumes

Up, Up, and Away in my Dumb-Ass Law

I’ve added emphasis to this New Hampshire Union Leader story:

It's $250 a pop for a balloon on the loose

CONCORD, NH – People will want to hold onto their balloons if the
Senate agrees with a House vote yesterday to ban balloon releases.

By a vote of 215 to 111, the House approved a bill that treats balloon
releases as a form of littering.

HB 62 originally barred the release of two dozen or more
lighter-than-air balloons.
The version that passed yesterday could bring a
$250 fine for even a single balloon let loose. A second offense could bring a
$500 fine. The bill specifically exempts hot air balloons, weather balloons and
others released as part of scientific research.

The bill does not penalize accidental releases.

Those who favored the bill said the balloon materials, including the
attached strings and ribbons, pose a serious threat to wildlife. Whales, turtles
and seabirds that live along New Hampshire's coastline mistakenly eat floating
balloons thinking they are food, and then are unable to eat real food.

"Do we now get balloon police?" Rep. Randolph Holden,
R-Goffstown, asked.

Rep. Kevin Waterhouse, R-Windham, said police officers would be
given enforcement responsibility. A move to give the job to Fish and Game
officers was rejected, since the department is under budget pressure
already.

He said people need to be aware that balloon releases cause real harm
to wildlife.

"It doesn't just go to heaven and disappear. It comes back down again,"
Waterhouse said.
Waterhouse said he was inspired to sponsor the bill by a
group of homeschoolers studying ecology.

---------------------------------
This is another example of a great idea but an inefficient use of police resources.

How many citations are police going to give for loose balloons? Nearly none.
Soooo… what actual good does it do? Not much.

But what it does accomplish is to authorize every bee-in-the-bonnet crotchety caller to report illegal balloon deployments.

Before you complain that actual police officers will be sent to balloon calls before they are sent to a real call, it would almost never happen. The actual extra work would be in the communications centers.

I’d bet that the Emergency Communications staffs all over New Hampshire have nothing better to do than take balloon calls.

---

Hindenburg photo: www.corrosion-doctors.org

911 is Always Open

Not only are operators figuratively "standing by" but, and this is more important, you can always call 911.

If you have a phone at home with a cord on it and it's plugged into the wall, you can call 911, even during a power outage, even if you don't pay your phone bill.

The MAN can keep you from calling locally or long distance if you don't pay them but he CANNOT keep you from calling 911.

If you only have cordless phones at home, you are screwed without power. So keep a backup phone with a cord. They go for just a couple of bucks these days.

Wireless phones: you can call 911 without even having phone service. If the battery works and if the phone conforms to the local cellular system then you can dial 911. They can shut your phone off for not paying the bill but they cannot keep you from dialing 911.

It's the law.

VoIP is a different matter and here's my whole view on that: I wouldn't depend on it.

But back to wireless phones for a sec: If you upgrade to a new cellphone make sure you have the phone company strip your info from your old phone.

You can also donate your phones to local women's shelters so that people at risk can have a phone which can access 911. I suggest you do just that: donate the phone. You might save a life.

What you don't want to do is give the old phone to your child as a toy. It's not a toy and unless the battery is truly dead it will likely squeak out a 911 call or two even if normal calls would be hopeless.

Remember: once it's dialed, we get the call even if you hang up.

Which brings me to this news item:

Girl, 8, makes 100 prank 911 calls

Feb 20 2:26 PM US/Eastern

SHEBOYGAN, Wis., Feb. 20 (UPI) -- No charges will be filed against an 8-year-old Wisconsin girl who made more than 100 prank calls to emergency operators last week.

Lt. Jim Risseeuw of the Sheboygan County, Wis., Sheriff's Department said the unidentified girl was traced with the help of AT&T and TracFone, which identified the phone's owner as the girl's mother, the Sheboygan Press reported Tuesday.

The woman had stopped using the phone but all cell phones can call 911 even if they don't have active service.

Risseeuw said the third-grader identified herself to dispatchers as "Matthew" when she made the calls, some of which contained profanities, the report said.

However, he said because of her age, she won't be charged.

"At this point, the matter was corrected," Risseeuw said. "We'll leave it for the parents to deal with."

Breibart.com News

Note that the 8 year old cheesehead not only dialed 911 on purpose but she used profanity and adopted an alias.

Who says the public school system is failing? This girl is already qualified to be a member of the United States Congress.

~~

photos:
911
Red Phone
White Phone
Cell Phone