Lucky 13

Today (and yes, I’m posting this a little late) marks my thirteenth anniversary with my department.

Who’d have known? I had no inkling that I’d be answering 911 this long.

The nice this is that I like my job most days.

I get to occasionally help people and they pay me to do it.

I occasionally get training in areas not easily available to the Joe Six-Pack, Sarah Palin crowd.

And did I mention they pay me? I’m feeling pretty good about the whole deal.

Only 17 years to retirement.

Well, unless the economy continues to tank and I have to work until I die.

Wheeeeee.!

Story Flashback: This is why I cannot write fiction

The day before yesterday a woman called the police appalled and feeling violated because one of her neighbors, who all hate her, drugged and castrated her favorite horse.

An officer responded and, after a very un-CSI-like investigation determined that, and I mention now that this is a completely true story, the horse had not been violated but instead was very cold.

The junk just disappears inside the body cavity apparently

No wonder those guys can run so fast. I could too if I could raise and lock my “landing gear” away.

You never see a grandfather clock running down the street

Something to consider.

~~

Photos:
http://www.imh.org
http://black-glass.org/
http://www.tech.purdue.edu/At/Courses/AEML/
http://www.theclockdepot.com/ashley.html

Dear Mr Jobs,

On behalf of 911 operators everywhere I wish to congratulate you on the wildly popular and successful iPhone.

This lovely device is not only easy to use normally but it affords the owner the option of dialing 911 with their buttocks more easily than other cell phones. Blackberry owners have some similar problems but the numbers of ass-dialed calls from iPhones are increasing.

Not only can one use the internet, listen to music, and make phone calls from a single device but one can also have a nice surprise conversation with me or one of my ilk. A conversation which will go something like this:

iPhoner: Hello?

911: Hi, this is the 911 operator, your phone called 911. Is there an emergency?

iPhoner: I didn’t call 911.

911: Actually, yes, your phone called 911.

iPhoner: But I didn’t call 911.

911: It’s not a problem if you accidentally called us, we just need to make sure you are okay.

iPhoner: But it wasn’t me.

911: is your phone number XXX-XXXX ?

iPhoner: yes…

911: and did you order sweet and sour sauce with your 10 piece McNuggets?

iPhoner: you heard that?

911: and a Diet Coke

iPhoner: Wow, I guess I did call. I must have bumped it. Imagine that…

911: Indeed. So you are okay, you don’t need the police, fire department, or paramedics?

iPhoner: No. But thank you for calling. You people do a great job.

911: Why thank you. Have a nice day.

Next call:

911: 911, what’s the location of your emergency?

a different iPhoner: (background noise and voice talking to her friend Becky about some other girl’s big butt)

911: (slightly more testily) 911, what’s the location of your emergency?

iPhoner: (more background, laughter. Probably some good natured swearing.)

911: (initiating the loud screechy TDD tones to no avail)

911 sighs and hangs up. Re-dials

iPhoner: Hello?

911: Hi, this is the 911 operator, your phone called 911. Is there an emergency?

iPhoner: I didn’t call 911.

iPhone pic from http://www.techdigest.tv/

Stress reduction picture: http://www.j2fi.net/

You've Reached 911. If you have just discovered an unresponsive body, please hang up now and call an Olsen twin

NYPD: 4 Calls to Olsen Instead of 911

Heath Ledger's death is tragic. For that reason, and pretty much only that reason, I'm not going to continue the riff about the Olsens or any of the Full House cast members. I could, oh I could, but I choose not to. You're welcome.

Instead I'll suggest you, if you are ever faced with even a vaguely similar situation, call 911 first and your mutual acquaintance second.

Please apply the same rule to car accidents with injuries. Please call 911 first and your spouse second.

Pretty please?

One more thing about Heath Ledger's death: it brings to mind the death of another young actor, Brandon Lee. Perhaps it's the curse of the make up artists.

Heath Ledger as The Joker

Brandon Lee in The Crow

‘Tis the Season

Call it lack of sleep. Blame it on it being my Friday.

Perhaps it’s because I have a lot on my plate, what with closing on the house next week and getting read to move.

What ever the case, today on the radio – broadcast city wide – I gave out a locate for some females in a vehicle smoking marijuanica.

Yes, like Adam Sandler said, marijuanica.

And the joy of saying something incredibly stupid in the beginning of a broadcast is that you just have to suck it up, correct yourself, then keep talking and refrain from laughing, swearing, or crying until after the transmission is complete.

It could have been worse though. Many years ago I sent an officer to a motor vehicle accident involving a Ford Escort versus a Suzuki Grand Viagra. A coworker instantly suggested that the Suzuki came standard with a lift kit.

Hoist By His Internet Petard

One day last week we got a call from a woman in a Midwest state (think cheese) requesting we do a welfare check on her boyfriend who lives in our fair city.

She was concerned because he calls her every night yet last night he had not called. Oh yeah, and this is an internet boyfriend; she’s never met him. She knows his address and his cell phone number plus his birth year and what kind of 2007 truck he bought. And she’s very very worried.

We’re obligated to have officers go out on the off-chance that Mr. Lovemonkey@hotlove.com has fallen down and cannot get up. It’s not necessarily a “we want to go” thing but it’s definitely a “for liability reasons we have to go out” thing.

It’s for this reason alone that it’s a special kind of magic when we knock on the door of Mr. Lovemonkey and his fiancé answers. Oh yeah and he’s 6 years older than his internet paramour thinks. And he drives a 2002.

Lest you think we dropped the dime on him in front of his fiancé, we did not. The responding officer, who is regulation size, decided that since Mr Lovemonkey is 6’5 and 350lbs and his fiancé was not much smaller that we’d let Mr. Lovemonkey explain why we were there (after we had left).

I'm thinking somone is going to get their Match.com money back.

Callers say the darndest things

Relayed from J-Mo:

A woman called to request medics because she was having chest pain or some other heart attack symptoms. We transfer such calls to the fire department dispatchers but stay on the line to see if the situation gets worse or becomes more of a police problem. During the course of this conversation J-Mo heard the following exchange:

Medic Dispatcher: Ma’am, are you clammy?

Caller: No, I’m Stephanie!

Hey, I’m not a doctor but…

I kid you not:

Pasta answered a call yesterday from a male requesting medics for a female in his residence. Describing her medical history he says:

She just got out of the hospital after having a double vasectomy.

The Godfather of Soil, part deux

So after the odd story about The Godfather of Soil, guess what happened sometime last night?

You guessed it. Some fucking plant thief stole one of the flower pots from our front walkway. He would have stolen another one but the second was evidently too heavy. The bastard moved it but couldn’t pick it up.

Sometimes I hate the living.

Keys to Kinkiness

Last Sunday started out humorous enough. It was a relatively slow morning and we had a call which struck me as funny and illustrated the lighter side of dispatch.

We received a call from a couple who, in the midst of romance, had handcuffed themselves together without the benefit of knowing exactly where their keys were.

We sent an officer to unlock their cuffs. They had obviously weighed their options before calling us because they hack-sawed the connecting chain before we had arrived and were able to answer the door fully dressed.

Interior design tip from your buddy E:

In the nightstand, and ideally under a tasteful window treatment, you should keep (perhaps in the same drawer as your ball-gag) THE HANDCUFF KEYS!

The day went drastically downhill from there but that’s for another post.

Have an exotic day!

key: Peerless

ball gag : Scott Paul Designs

Welcome to my world

By now you've probably heard about this guy in Paw Paw, Michigan:





He rolled his wheelchair into the path of a semi tractor. When the semi struck the wheelchair (at low speed), the wheelchair handles became lodged in the truck's grill. After a 50mph ride stuck on the front grill, the semi was pulled over by police and the Mr Wheelchair guy was rescued unharmed.

But check out the 911 calls: WGRZ story Plus 911 calls

Specifically listen to call number 3. This is the sort of caller who justifies my pay. It's also a great example of "you don't know how you are going to react during an emergency until one happens."

Up, Up, and Away in my Dumb-Ass Law

I’ve added emphasis to this New Hampshire Union Leader story:

It's $250 a pop for a balloon on the loose

CONCORD, NH – People will want to hold onto their balloons if the
Senate agrees with a House vote yesterday to ban balloon releases.

By a vote of 215 to 111, the House approved a bill that treats balloon
releases as a form of littering.

HB 62 originally barred the release of two dozen or more
lighter-than-air balloons.
The version that passed yesterday could bring a
$250 fine for even a single balloon let loose. A second offense could bring a
$500 fine. The bill specifically exempts hot air balloons, weather balloons and
others released as part of scientific research.

The bill does not penalize accidental releases.

Those who favored the bill said the balloon materials, including the
attached strings and ribbons, pose a serious threat to wildlife. Whales, turtles
and seabirds that live along New Hampshire's coastline mistakenly eat floating
balloons thinking they are food, and then are unable to eat real food.

"Do we now get balloon police?" Rep. Randolph Holden,
R-Goffstown, asked.

Rep. Kevin Waterhouse, R-Windham, said police officers would be
given enforcement responsibility. A move to give the job to Fish and Game
officers was rejected, since the department is under budget pressure
already.

He said people need to be aware that balloon releases cause real harm
to wildlife.

"It doesn't just go to heaven and disappear. It comes back down again,"
Waterhouse said.
Waterhouse said he was inspired to sponsor the bill by a
group of homeschoolers studying ecology.

---------------------------------
This is another example of a great idea but an inefficient use of police resources.

How many citations are police going to give for loose balloons? Nearly none.
Soooo… what actual good does it do? Not much.

But what it does accomplish is to authorize every bee-in-the-bonnet crotchety caller to report illegal balloon deployments.

Before you complain that actual police officers will be sent to balloon calls before they are sent to a real call, it would almost never happen. The actual extra work would be in the communications centers.

I’d bet that the Emergency Communications staffs all over New Hampshire have nothing better to do than take balloon calls.

---

Hindenburg photo: www.corrosion-doctors.org

Cheeseheads Know When To Fold 'Em

Sadly, we get this kind of thing all the time.

from the Green Bay Press Gazette:

Girl calls 911: Grandpa's cheating at cards!

Gannett Wisconsin Newspapers

BEAVER DAM — A 7-year-old girl who thought she was getting the short
end of the deal called 911 on Sunday afternoon to report her grandfather was cheating at cards.

The Dodge County dispatch center received a 911 hang-up call
from a child around 4:40 p.m. at a home on Dodge County E in the town of Burnett east of Beaver Dam, according to a report.

When officers responded, the grandmother told the deputy her young granddaughter had recently learned to dial 911 and apparently called when she believed her grandfather was cheating during a family card game, according to the report.

photo: http://www.timelesstrinkets.com/Smurfs/CollectorPages/images/20056.jpg

911 is Always Open

Not only are operators figuratively "standing by" but, and this is more important, you can always call 911.

If you have a phone at home with a cord on it and it's plugged into the wall, you can call 911, even during a power outage, even if you don't pay your phone bill.

The MAN can keep you from calling locally or long distance if you don't pay them but he CANNOT keep you from calling 911.

If you only have cordless phones at home, you are screwed without power. So keep a backup phone with a cord. They go for just a couple of bucks these days.

Wireless phones: you can call 911 without even having phone service. If the battery works and if the phone conforms to the local cellular system then you can dial 911. They can shut your phone off for not paying the bill but they cannot keep you from dialing 911.

It's the law.

VoIP is a different matter and here's my whole view on that: I wouldn't depend on it.

But back to wireless phones for a sec: If you upgrade to a new cellphone make sure you have the phone company strip your info from your old phone.

You can also donate your phones to local women's shelters so that people at risk can have a phone which can access 911. I suggest you do just that: donate the phone. You might save a life.

What you don't want to do is give the old phone to your child as a toy. It's not a toy and unless the battery is truly dead it will likely squeak out a 911 call or two even if normal calls would be hopeless.

Remember: once it's dialed, we get the call even if you hang up.

Which brings me to this news item:

Girl, 8, makes 100 prank 911 calls

Feb 20 2:26 PM US/Eastern

SHEBOYGAN, Wis., Feb. 20 (UPI) -- No charges will be filed against an 8-year-old Wisconsin girl who made more than 100 prank calls to emergency operators last week.

Lt. Jim Risseeuw of the Sheboygan County, Wis., Sheriff's Department said the unidentified girl was traced with the help of AT&T and TracFone, which identified the phone's owner as the girl's mother, the Sheboygan Press reported Tuesday.

The woman had stopped using the phone but all cell phones can call 911 even if they don't have active service.

Risseeuw said the third-grader identified herself to dispatchers as "Matthew" when she made the calls, some of which contained profanities, the report said.

However, he said because of her age, she won't be charged.

"At this point, the matter was corrected," Risseeuw said. "We'll leave it for the parents to deal with."

Breibart.com News

Note that the 8 year old cheesehead not only dialed 911 on purpose but she used profanity and adopted an alias.

Who says the public school system is failing? This girl is already qualified to be a member of the United States Congress.

~~

photos:
911
Red Phone
White Phone
Cell Phone