Catchin' Up

It's been too long since I've written much of anything. I find myself incredibly busy (or maybe just more interested) with other things. I took on a work project which requires much more time than I anticipated. I have three or so sculpture projects in my head. I'm going through a lot of old CDs and transferring them to my computer – lots of oldies and goodies.

Anyone know of Todd Snider? His "Songs from the Daily Planet" was one of an enormous amount of music brought to me by the letter "T." Probably half the music I listen to with any regularity can be traced back to "T." She has great and varied taste and musical interests.

Anyway, Todd Snider's music is fantastic. It's a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. It's usually funny but some songs are very touching. It's been a long time since I listened to his stuff.

Then in the "S" section is the great Joe Satriani. I looked up his website and discovered that I missed the incarnation of G3 that included: Joe Satriani, Steve Vai, and … yes… wait for it. Yngwie J. Malmsteen. Oh yeah. Not Yngwie F. Malmsteen, but Yngwie J. Malmsteen.

Except Mr. Malmsteen is not so Yng-wee anymore. He's kinda Yng-jumbo. I know: pot-kettle-black, but he's… yes… wait for it…
still wearing 80's tight leather pants or spandex. Oh the horror.

He still plays really fast though. It's not as… well as emotive as either Joe Satriani or Steve Vai but I can't even form an F chord, so you go Yngwie! Far away as far as I'm concerned.

Rock On!

This Week's Tenant: The Evolution of Gina

Welcome my new tenant

The Evolution of Gina

Check her out. The reason I picked her (and sorry to all of you whose blog I did not pick) can be explained by a couple of quotes from her blog:

"No more wars, no more bloodshed. Peace unto you. Shalom, salaam, forever."
- Menachem Begin

Amen, brothers and sisters

.

In her Much / Not So Much feature:

Mel Gibson getting pulled over on a DWI? Much.
Mel Gibson getting pulled over and spewing anti-semetic slurs? Why are you so surprised?
He did make Passion of the Christ, didn't he? Okay, so would this have been a big deal if the cops were black and he did black slurs? Nobody would have said boo about it, so don't act like it's a big deal now. He's prejudiced. We all have our own within us whether we show it or hide it. Let he who has not told an off-colored joke cast the first stone.

So go over and tell her I sentcha!

Crouching Tiger, Pooping Eagle

My Dad has a great eye for photos and has been capturing nature at its finest recently.
I love this photo. Good work, Dad!

Sugar Baby

Stress

I know I haven’t actually written anything for a while so I'll remedy that now by explaining why.

It's been a week:

1) Sugarbaby went into the hospital again. She started throwing up and that always spells trouble with her. She probably ate some mushrooms or something so now we have to watch her like a hawk. After spending a few nights in the hospital she's home and much better now. No biscuits though, just in case it's a new food allergy.

2) My grandmother went into the hospital again. She started feeling dizzy and that always spells trouble with her. She probably ate some mushrooms … wait, back up… actually she was bleeding internally from a source as yet undiscovered. They probed her backwards and forwards (literally) and came up with nothing definite. She's on blood thinners for her heart which adds greatly to the spurting volume of any wound but to take her completely off of that might result in a stroke. Lovely. So she gets to choose: Have the family worried that she's going to bleed out from something relatively minor; or have the family make fun of her when she can't move one side of her body or speak correctly. Hmmm. Let's see. Can I see behind curtain number three? After several nights in the hospital she's back home feeling much better now but we aren't going to give her biscuits either.

3) This was the week of the advanced CIT training. I gave a 45 minute presentation on self-injurious behavior. Thanks to CP and all the rest of the folks who gave me input. You are the best! The officers I taught at least have an understanding that this is a coping issue not a suicidal ideation. I was anxious leading up to the presentation because I have never spoken in front of officers and certainly not 50 officers, but it went quite well. I neither lost my mind nor wet my pants. Both I consider victories. Plus I feel a little more comfortable around officers now (it only took 10 years). Before I always felt like a spy in the house of love. Nobody likes dispatchers. Waaah! Okay, I'm being dramatic. Anyway, that created stress until after it was over.

4) The portable hard drive I got as a birthday gift just crapped out on me. It's not a huge deal (I didn't have a crash and then lose my backup too) but it pisses me off. I don't think I have a receipt but I'm pretty sure Costco will take it back. It's just a few months old.

5) I can't drown my sorrows in candy and/or ice cream. Well I suppose I can but I am perilously close to having significant blood sugar issues so I am off the evil white powder and all its forms for a while. I made my bed but that doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch about it.

I've read a lot of books lately (well, listened) and I'll recommend some. I have been attempting to learn to do caricatures in polymer clay. Hopefully someday you'll see your likeness on my blog. Ha! Creating stress in others is much more satisfying. I've got a long way to go. I started with Don Knotts and I'm not nearly there. My guy looks like a guy (which is a good start) but he doesn’t look like Mr. Furley yet. Either way the things I'm learning about sculpting the human face is actually pretty interesting and will apply to other forms of art if I feel so inclined. Just finding out that the eyeline is in the center of the face (from top of head to chin) sort of stunned me. I never noticed that before. Try it, it works. Next is Abe Vigoda. After that maybe Angelina Jolie. I'm looking for interesting faces to start with.

Any suggestions?
~~
cartoon: www.jwolfe.clara.net/Humour/WorkStress.htm

This Week's Tenant: Full Metal Photographer

If you want to see some amazing photos I urge you to visit this week's tenant: Full Metal Photographer.

You'll be glad you did.

Go!

NOW!

Here

I Love My Job

Where else can you ask callers “so, what are you wearing?” without it being in a creepy way?



Cthulhu Calls

(c) Joshua LH Burnett

My Dog, Why Have You Forsaken Me !

This is nearly exactly what I envisioned when I first started the PC thing. The skeletal stuff, not necessarily the pun. But I like it.

The Wiz

The face is too smiley but it's a clay thing so I think it's okay.

This Week's Renter

Welcome to Billy Boy aka Plumbutt – Founder, Creator and overall Mastermind of The Plumbutt Chronicles. He's a Modern man from New Joisey who enjoys climbing tall mountains, riding bikes down steep hills and pissing people off.

I've already used his words to describe himself, let's see what he has to say about his blog, shall we?

TPC, established in 2004, attempts to present in humorous fashion, a daily dose of sarcasm and satire on everything from the serious to the sublime…. WARNING: You may read explicit language here. You may see partial or full nudity. You may see farm animals in various stages of undress. You may not like or agree with what I have to say. In either case...LIVE WITH IT!

His is a funny blog. You'd do well to check it out HERE.

Tell 'im I sentcha!

Death Wears Flowered Flip-Flops

This is my first successful skeleton figure. This is likely the 4th grade skill level version of what I hope to create in the future. I tried to use Dinko Tilov's style of skull construction but found I had to modify it to accomodate the heat of my room and my not-so-delicate fingers and thumbs.

Anyway, here 'tis:
The next ones will be better. I'm trying to imagine incongruous Death poses. Maybe Death will be smelling a flower next time. I think I'll put some insanely happy or joyful object with Death in every incarnation. My skulls are getting better and the new ones will look less simian and have more expression.

Any special requests?

Vote For The Extinction of Man

Maybe it was all the HP Lovecraft I read over June 6, 2006, but my gut reaction is to not vote for Mr. Hlatcu for Governor.

Perhaps it's his endorsement of a Mr. Yog-Sothoth for Lt Governor.

Or that his campaign is managed by a Mr. Cthulhu.

Or that in his hand while his TV spot aired was a leathery volume called the Necronomicon.

It's possible that Mr. Hlatcu is exactly what he purports to be: a Romanian immigrant who was lived in Alaska for 16 years and is an engineer by trade.

Or he might be an emissary of The Ancient Ones.

You decide.

lŠ! Shub-Niggurath!

Taint Misbehavin'

If you are not familiar with a "taint," it's that area of your tender vittles (to use a baseball metaphor) between Home Plate and the Dugout. Where to draw the lines indicating areas of the "field of play" will vary by your own league rules.

Or to be more specific (and to use a geographic governmental metaphor in picture form), the orange part is the geographical taint.

Anyway, have you ever had a zit there? You're all cleaning up after a visit to the "restroom" and you think to yourself "Hey, what's that? Oh the humanity, that's a zit! On the taint! A taint zit. Yeeeow!"

No?

Well, me neither.

Tweak Here, Tweak There

J-Bro pointed out that my template changes made it impossible to leave comments. Well, we don't want that.

Thanks, J, for alerting me before I crashed into the reefs of "nobody is commenting" and landed on the shores of self-doubt and depression. Or someink.

Listenin' to the Muzak, thinking about this and that…

How do you like the new design? It's not all that different but I added "not in a creepy way" somewhere prominent. I'll probably tweak it a little. I wonder if I can copyright "not in a creepy way?" Trademark? Hmm. If'n I ever start a business, I'll call it "Not In A Creepy Way Productions."

Someink like that.

Elvis Costello and the Attractions are on heavy rotation tonight. "They're saying things that I can hardly believe. They really think we're getting out of control."

Costello's Spike is one of my favorite albums from any artist. Every song is intricately written, plus it was my introduction to the story of Derek Bentley.

If you've never heard of Derek Bentley or Chris Craig, you need to go HERE and read the story (teaser: He was executed in 1953 and then pardoned in 1998.) Then you'll have to get your hands on the song "Let Him Dangle."

But tonight I'm listening to the "Greatest Hits" singles: Pump It Up, Radio Radio, Watching the Detectives, Red Shoes… aaaah, fun.

What else is going on? One week without sugar. I wouldn’t recommend it unless it's necessary which in my case, unfortunately, it is for a while. Oh well, maybe I'll lose some weight. I can't imagine how I wouldn’t since my main food groups used to consist of chocolate and nougat with the occasional peanut or almond thrown in if I was feeling like health food. I never thought I'd miss nougat but I do. I'd write a little poem, an ode to nougat, but I'm not in that kind of mood. I do like typing nougat though. Nougat, nougat, nougat.

The asshats down the street are shooting off fireworks again. It scares the bejeesus out of Sugar. Really, there is bejeesus all over my computer room. She's currently hiding under my desk at my feet as Kelli sleeps in the next room.

All is well.

Visit ? Pixie ?

Check out: Pixie's Temple

It's a fun little blog just waiting to entertain you !!

More Polymer Clay

I've had a lot on my plate the last week. I'll probably dribble bits of detail when I sit down to write seriously soon, but here are some new polymer clay creations, mostly copied right out of Dinko Tilov's book "Creating Fantasy Polymer Clay Characters."

I've learned some technique which will greatly increase the quality of my own creations as they come along. And I love the idea of using the buttons for armor.

With that, here they are.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Yes, this is a lightbulb in a rectum. Rectum? Nearly killt'em.

What's Happening ?

Not much in my end of the world. Well, that's not quite true. I was sick to a certain extent all last week and went to the doctor. Without getting into a bunch of stuff it all comes down to more diet and exercise. Sounds easy, huh?

Well with the not-snacking thing in mind I have been playing around with the polymer clay with renewed abandon.

I bought a great book by Dinko Tilov (who has a great name at any rate) and you'll see my renditions of Dinko characters soon. Most of them have a little Eric twist to them but most are simply copies so that I can learn techniques. Yes, there are techniques to play-doh.

It's satisfying to get things wrong, wrong, wrong, then right. I can definitely tell the difference in brands and types of polymer clay now. I have made myself a tool or two and have found the store-bought ones that actually work. Although there's something fun about having a pasta machine near my computer desk, I'm doing more actual sculpting so I use the machine less and less (no need for flat clay or straight lines).

Thanks to J-Bro, I'm listening to Peeping Tom's single "Sucker" in between my favorite Tom Waits songs (they are nothing alike). Peeping Tom is the new project of the lead singer from Faith No More and this single features Norah Jones saying dirty words. Love it! Thanks J!

As far as Tom Waits… it's all good. I can't get enough of "Eyeball Kid" and "Chocolate Jesus" and "Jockey Full of Bourbon" and "Time" and "Clap Hands" and "Blind Love." Oh and "Big in Japan."

If you've never heard "Eyeball Kid," here are the lyrics. But you really need to hear it to get the whole feel. It's funny and creepy and yet will make you think.

Well Zenora Bariella
And Coriander Pyle
They had sixteen children
In the usual style
They had a curio museum
And they had no guile
All they ever wanted
Was a show biz child
So on the 7th of Dec. 1949
They got what
They'd been wishing for
All of the time
He grew up in a trailer
By the time he was 9
He rolled off to join
The circus... telling fortunes
On the side

Hail Hail, the Eyeball kid

Well the first time I saw him
Was a Saigon jail
Cost me 27 dollars
Just to go his bail
I said your name will
Be in lights...
And that's no doubt
But you got to have
A manager that's what
It's all about
People would point
People would stare
I'll always be here
To protect you and to
Cut down on the glare
I know you can't speak
I know you can't sign
So cry right here on
The dotted line

Hail Hail, the Eyeball kid

Well he was born with out a body
Not even a brow
I made the kid a promise
I made the kid a vow
He's not conventionally handsome
He'll never be tall
He said "all you got to do is
Book me into Carnegie Hall"

Hail Hail, the Eyeball kid

He's just a little bitty thing
He's just a little guy
But women go crazy
For the big blue eye
They say how does he
Dream? How does he think
When he can't ever speak
And he can't ever blink?

I said Hail Hail, the Eyeball kid
Hail Hail, the Eyeball kid

Give it up and throw me down
A couple of quid
Everybody wants to see
The Eyeball kid

How dies he dream
How does he think
When he can't even speak
And he can't even blink
We are all lost in the
Wilderness we're as
Blind as can be
He came down to teach us
How to really see

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

So give it up and throw
Me down a couple of quid
Everybody wants to see
The Eyeball kid
Eyeball kid
Eyeball kid

What's happening with you?

This Week's Tenant: Recommended

In her words:

This blog is about the many things I discover online every day. Rantings and personal opinions included. Enjoy your stay and visit again!
-t-

The -t- is Tina, or positronic, and she's from Berlin, Germany.

Check her out, she gets some amazing amounts of traffic from this Blog Rental thing so I hope not to disappoint her. Really. Go there now!

Does A Bear Poop In The Woods ?

Well, as evidenced by an accident in the outskirts of Los Anchorage today, it will poop on the road if it is under the influence of a Ducati S2R.

Yes, a motorcycle vs. bear accident. Do you get a lot of those where you live? I swell with hometown pride (although not in a creepy way).

In the paper / scissors / rock world of collisions, apparently Ducati beats black bear.

The scenario: the biker, travelling 65-70mph crests a hill on what could only be described as a "country road," paved but pot-holed and no shoulders. On the other side of the hill is a black bear who is unaware he is about to become one with the Ducati legend.

Whoomp!

The damage to the rider: broken collar bone.

The damage to the Ducati? Nothing except it was a hair transplant recipient on the handlebars.

Damage to the bear: Undetermined since it fled the scene but it left a bunch of poop in the road. The bike literally knocked the crap out of the bear.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Kelli before and a year and a quarter after weight loss surgery.

I know the surgery is controversial but she's so much happier (and as beautiful inside and out as ever).

So Funny You Might Pee Two Drops

This post brought to you by the letter "T"

Check out this: The Gatorade Conspiracy

Really. It's hilarious.

For the short attention span crowd, you don't even have to read the post, just look at the pictures.

If you comment, tell 'em The Panic Blog sentcha.

This Week's Tenant: Imagination MADNESS

This is a blogger with a mysterious story to tell. Here's how she describes herself:

About Me

Name:Shy

Location:Hilversum, Netherlands

Who is Tracey (Shy)? I am an Aussie living in The Netherlands (Holland some of you people call it) I am 31 and a mother of a lovely little girl who turns 7 this year! My hobbies are anything to do with craft. Things I do to much of that is unhealthy? Whining about my ex and thinking of payback!

Go visit her and see what she's up against!

Imagination MADNESS,
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

Stranger Dangers

I was surfing around the news sites and I came upon a story involving
the dangers of pedicures.

According to the devil, er, I mean FOXNews,

“… recently in Fort Worth, Texas, … a wrongful death suit claimed a woman
died after contracting antibiotic-resistant Staphylococcus aureus following a
pedicure at a local nail salon.

This incident…parallels another, even more widespread calamity that occurred when 110 people who received pedicures at a Santa Cruz, Calif. nail salon contracted a potentially dangerous infection causing treatment-resistant skin abscesses and boils.”

Vanity, thy name is Flesh Eating Bacteria.

Oh and in the same article, here’s some good advice with regard to Botox and chemical peels:

“never have an antiaging treatment in someone's garage, basement, at
an ‘injectable party,’ or in a hotel room.”

Actually, if you attend an “Injectable Party” then you might just deserve what you get.

But that’s just me.

Lights Out Everybody

People have always been entertained by being told creepy stories.

Think of the novel or screenplay writers who have made the hair stand up on the back of your neck. Are you thinking of Stephen King, Clive Barker, Rod Serling, or Alfred Hitchcock?

Before these masters there was another person you might not have heard of:

Arch Obler

Crazy Dog Audio Theater Masterpiece Gallery describes him thusly:

"American radio’s premier horror series Lights Out began in 1934 and was soon taken over by the legendary Arch Obler the following year. Arch Obler is widely recognised as one of the best writers for audio of all time. He once famously insisted that ‘I write about human beings, not special effects’.

Obler’s work with Lights Out makes this series the precursor of TV shows like Rod Serling’s ‘Twilight Zone’. Part of Obler’s strength was in writing one-to-one, on a personal level, always aiming directly at the individual listener. For example he would write: ‘In a horrific time, in a horrible world, I have been asked to try and horrify you---all in fun, of course. … Now I know that you're not a person who is easily frightened. Monsters, ghosts, the dead. Who gets scared of that sort of thing anymore? You don't. Or do you?…’ "

His show began with a bell sounding thirteen times. In between the tolls of the bell and starting with the fourth toll the following words are spoken in a deep sonorous voice:

"It – is – later – than – you – think,"

followed by Mr O himself saying,

"This is Arch Obler bringing you another of our series of tales of the unusual and once again we caution you these Lights Out stories are not for the timid soul so we tell you calmly and very sincerely, if you frighten easily, turn off the radio now."

A gong clashes and the story begins.

These stories are great. Okay, so not all of them hit the mark but neither did all of the Twilight Zone episodes or Alfred Hitchcock Presents. But most of them stand the test of time 60 and 70 years later.

I just received 6 CDs of old radio shows from Darryl Hawkins at Old Time Radio including all of the Arch Obler recordings. Fantastic.

Where will you find me in the next couple of weeks during my spare time?
Oh yes, I'll be thrilling to the tales of the supernatural and the supernormal.

With the lights out, everybody.

You're so vain, you probably think this plate is about you

(note: all the plates I mention are Alaska plates. The pictures listed are provided because the state DMV will not display a vanity plate which has already been taken).

Yesterday someone encountered a license plate that only a few of us (me included) laughed at. Perhaps I’m just twisted.

Last week a coworker gave out a locate for a hit and run suspect vehicle. It wasn’t until she had spoken the plate during the broadcast that she realized what it meant. She was mortified to be taken in so easily.


Then there is my favorite Alaska plate which is still driving around town as if it were the most normal thing in the world.


And here’s my plate.


Then there is a fantasy plate, just for fun:

Dictionary Moment

Welcome to this edition of “Dictionary Moment” at the Panic Blog, brought to you today by the letter ‘Z.’

Z takes a call from a concerned citizen who wants to report his former buddy for drugs. Halfway through the conversation the caller says,

Caller: “…this guy, he’s got so much drugs, I’m talking about a LOT.”

Z: “On him?”

Caller: “Yep, he keeps it in…um… under his, y’know, scruples.”

Z: “You mean in his pants?”

Caller: “Yep. In his pants under his scruples.”

evidentally these are scruples

Later in the conversation the caller says,

Caller: “You have to get there fast, he has lots of girlfriends, crack ho’s, and they’ll keister the drugs for him. You know what I mean, keister, right?”

Z: “I think I can figure that one out. So he found more than one girl who will do this for him, huh?”

evidentally this is how one would start the de-keisterization process

In conclusion, chilluns, the lesson is this:

Girls may have no scruples but if you can find one who will keister your drugs, she’s a keeper!

This week's tenant: The Power of Denial

I like this blog. She describes herself as:

i have an IQ that rivals Einstein's, but instead of using my powers for good, i wreak havoc on the internet...and i like weasels.

She also misses poop colored M&Ms. You have to appreciate that. Go there now. It's some funny stuff!

I Don’t Know Much About Song Lyrics

I’m a smart guy. Ask me, I’ll tell you.

But every time I think I’m especially smart, it becomes crushingly obvious that I don’t know shit from Shinola.


This morning I’m singing in the shower (not loud, we live in a duplex) the Queensryche version of Scarborough Fair. Geoff Tate has such a great voice. I don’t. Yet I sing on.


So my genius idea was, instead of the traditional second line of the song, replace it with

“Lord won’t you buy her a Mercedes Benz;
parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme;
Her friends all have Porsches, I must make amends;
then she’ll be a true love of mine.”

It works. Okay, not exactly genius, but it works.

So there’s where the ignorance smacked me in the face like a loufa (or a falafel, if you are in the no spin zone).

I remember those “background lyrics” in the Simon and Garfunkel song which are not in the Queensryche version. All I remember is something like:

“Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
(blah blah blah blah blah, deep forest green),
Parsely, sage, rosemary,
and thyme…”

Of course this would translate to:

Lord won’t you buy her a Mercedes Benz
(blah blah blah blah blah rich leather seats)
Parsely, sage, rosemary,
and thyme…”

But to alter the lyrics, I had to find out the real lyrics. And was amazed at the darkness found within.

Here are the lyrics (as found on the internet):

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there,
she was once a true love of mine.

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
(On the side of a hill in the deep forest green).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground).
Without no seams nor needlework
(Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain).
Then she'll be a true love of mine
(Sleeps unaware of the clarion call).

Tell her to find me an acre of land
(On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Washes the ground with so many tears).
Between salt water and the sea strand
(A soldier cleans and polishes a gun).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather
(War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Generals order their soldiers to kill).
And gather it all in a bunch of heather
(And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there,
she was once a true love of mine.

Does anyone know about this second part? Is it a canticle in the sense of a Catholic sacred song?

This is the crap that will keep me up late at night. Oh yeah and finding the third and fourth songs to throw into the mix before going back to the repeat of the first verse.

This Week's Tenant: Stumbling Through Life With Grace

Here's what she says about her blog:


Now go clickey. Go on. Right HERE.

C'mon, it's chalk FULL of verbose banalities. Your read MY blog, you like verbose banalities. And, might I add, a little profanity here and there.