How to Scare your Husband Half to Death

or : When Your Poop Looks Like Coffee Grounds, Go Immediately To The Emergency Room

Short version:

Kelli has a good sized ulcer in her post-gastric-bypass stomach.

Longer version: Upon seeing aforementioned coffee-grounds-looking diarrhea Monday night at 6:30pm we went immediately to our favorite emergency room. At 2:00am Tuesday she was admitted to the hospital.

Tuesday afternoon she had an endoscopy and they discovered the ulcer and that it was eating into a blood vessel, thus the blood. They put a little clip on it to stop the bleeding. Hopefully problem solved with a change of diet and massive doses of Nexium. She should be discharged tomorrow if everything continues to go well.

~~

Now the graphic version in pictorial form. Oh and these are actual pictures of Kelli's ulcer.

First is the diagram of her insides and vantage points of the pictures:



Next are two pictures of the ulcer itself.


Next are two pictures of the insertion of this clippy thing followed by a picture of the finished area.



And I cannot make up the combination of her doctors:


anyone for a tasty meat pie?

More Pasta Pics

I'm not normally all gushy but if this isn't the most adorable picture you have seen today something is wrong with you.

Sammy is the redhead and Christopher has the dark hair.

Congratulations Mama and Papa Pasta, you done good!

Buon Compleanno al Gemelli

Gemelli is a type of pasta and is also the Italian word for "twins."

Congratulations to the whole Pasta Family and most especially to Sammy and Chris, the tiny Texan twins born June 12, 2008. (both pictures are of Sammy but hey - they are twins; Chris looks just like his brother).

While it appears Sammy is giving a nurse the malocchio, sources at the scene say he was just winking. We'll see. (click the pictures for a larger version).

For those who like numbers they are both 3 lbs 12 ounces and 16 inches long. Both are Texans by the odd coincidence that mom and dad were with one of the twins' older sisters in Texas having surgery at the time they decided to greet this new world. Having Texans for children was not the original plan for Mama and Papa Pasta but they'll adjust and begin the re-education process in their much larger home state soon enough.

For praying types, you might include the twins in those prayers since they are so small but reports are that they're going to be a-okay after a little TLC in the NICU for the next 4 to 6 weeks.

To the entire Pasta family:

Congratulations and come home soon!
You have an adoring public who wish to shower you with gifts and love (but not in a creepy way).

Gemelli photos: Wikipedia Commons

Herb Shaindlin, re-mix

Evidently when you search "Herb Shaindlin" on Google, you get my blog as the number one match.

On one hand, yay me!

On the other hand, two people have recently emailed me to ask if my post was a eulogy.

update October 4, 2008 - It is with great sadness I report that Herb Shaindlin has indeed passed away. His family has set up a MySpace site for people to share stories and wishes at www.myspace.com/herbshaindlin

Here's the original item I wrote plus several pictures of a plaque I sent him via one of his daughters whom I am lucky to have as a coworker.

It's nice to have heard from so many people about how much they enjoyed the Public Opinion Hotline but I have to point out that I'm just a fan.

~~
the following was originally posted October 2, 2005:


Herb Shaindlin’s talk radio program "The Public Opinion Hotline," which aired on AM 750 KFQD for most of my life and certainly all of my formative years, educated me in more ways than I have time to list on this post so I’ll give you just a few examples:

One is that Herb’s program introduced me to the works of Stephen King, Tom Lehrer, Spike Jones, Robert Service, and many other artists. One taste of each of these artists led to exploring most of their works and works of similar artists. In this way he set my compass on the course I have taken ever since.

The second is that he told stories of his life. Many of these stories rattle around in my head to this day.

Last night I saw a helicopter fly past my house at relatively low altitude, creating a certain amount of noise in its wake. From its direction of travel (and the few helicopters that would have any reason to fly over my house) I could identify it as the LifeGuard Air Ambulance.

As I watched it pass I had to smile as I was reminded of one of Herb’s stories. If memory serves, the story goes like this:

When Herb was growing up in Brooklyn, New York, he would constantly hear the wailing of all types of sirens: police sirens, ambulance sirens, fire engine sirens. He once asked his mother if the sirens bothered her or worried her because every siren meant that there had been a crime or an accident where someone was probably hurt.

Her response was a surprising “No.” She explained, “Every time I hear a siren I don’t get mad because it is interrupting my peace and quiet; rather I am happy because I know that someone is racing as fast as they can to help someone else. Sirens are a happy sound.”

Ever since hearing this story (at least 20 years ago) I have smiled a little when I hear a siren. And now I smile at helicopter noise too.

Thanks Herb, you are the very best.

~~
the plaque was completed June of 2007

Sad Lemons? Diabolical Lemonade!!

Fake bus stop keeps Alzheimer's patients from wandering off

From the Telegraph.co.uk

By Harry de Quetteville in Berlin

Last Updated: 11:11PM BST 03/06/2008

The idea was first tried at Benrath Senior Centre in Düsseldorf, which pitched an exact replica of a standard stop outside, with one small difference: buses do not use it.

The centre had been forced to rely on police to retrieve patients who wanted to return to their often non-existent homes and families.

Then Benrath teamed up with a local care association called the "Old Lions". They went to the Rheinbahn transport network which supplied the bus stop.

"It sounds funny but it helps," said Franz-Josef Goebel, the chairman of the "Old Lions" association.

"Our members are 84 years old on average. Their short-term memory hardly works, but the long-term memory is still active.

"They know the green and yellow bus sign and remember that waiting there means they will go home."

The result is that errant patients now wait for their trip home at the bus stop, before quickly forgetting why they were there in the first place.

"We will approach them and say that the bus is coming later and invite them in for a coffee," said Richard Neureither, Benrath's director. "Five minutes later they have completely forgotten they wanted to leave."

The idea has proved so successful that it has now been adopted by several other homes across Germany.

~~
This is a brilliant idea. Dementia patients wandering off is a huge problem.

The fake bus stop does nothing to infringe upon the patient's rights and allows them to retain their dignity while still keeping them safe.

Talk about thinking outside the box.

Abortion: The Green Friendly Option

Look HERE , it's hilarious.

It's also satire so lighten up.

courtesy of The Downloadable Ryan Garns

Craigslist: Buyer Beware

I talked to two separate people today who found cars for sale on Craigslist and got ripped off.

I firmly believe people are essentially good-hearted but here is the most helpful tip with regard to buying things from private parties:

Actually take possession of the item at the time of sale.
No Goodies = No Money.

Don’t send someone money, especially through PayPal, ahead of time. I mention PayPal specifically because they are not a bank and therefore play by their own rules. In the event of fraud their obligation to you would be different than a credit card.

Think about PayPal (or sending a check even) like promising to put money under a rock then coming back to that rock the next day to find your item. And good luck with that plan.

Craigslist is a great way to buy/sell items but remember that there are folks out there who are actively trying to steal your money. Like eBay a year or so ago, it’s the hot new forum for fraud.

Incidentally there are other important things about buying cars. For one you will want the title and a bill of sale. It'd also be nice to have every piece of ID you can possibly verify for the selling party in case it all goes bad and you need to track them down later.

And A Chicken Shall Lead Us

Yes, okay I'm stealing this. It was taken from Avert Your Eyes but she stole it from someone else. Enjoy:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

*_BARACK OBAMA:_*
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken wanted CHANGE!

*_JOHN MC CAIN:_*
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the
need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road!

*_HILLARY CLINTON:_*
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure --
right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.......

*_DR. PHIL:_*
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

*_OPRAH:_*
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

*_GEORGE W. BUSH:_*
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken
is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

*_COLIN POWELL_*:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road...

*_ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:_*
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

*_JOHN KERRY:_*
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

*_NANCY GRACE:_*
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

*_PAT BUCHANAN_*:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

*_MARTHA STEWART:_*
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

*_DR SEUSS_*:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

*_ERNEST HEMINGWAY:_*
To die in the rain. Alone.

*_JERRY FALWELL:_*
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain
and as simple as that.

*_GRANDPA:_ *
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

*_BARBARA WALTERS:_*
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

*_ARISTOTLE:_*
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

*_JOHN LENNON:_*
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in
peace.

*_BILL GATES:_*
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

*_ALBERT EINSTEIN:_*
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

*_BILL CLINTON:_*
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

*_AL GORE_*
I invented the chicken!

*_COLONEL SANDERS_*:
Did I miss one?

*_DICK CHENEY:_*
Where's my gun!

You Stoner Idiot

Alaska is a very liberal state with regard to marijuana possession and usage in your own home. I’m cool with that although I’m a food junkie so adding marijuana to the mix would simply exacerbate my issues. Oh yeah and my job prohibits it. So problem solved.

So if you indulge in a little ganja now and then – hey, smoke it if you got it. Yet if you drive down the highway with a bong on your lap taking hits as you drive, you are a complete moron. And when several citizens call to report your stupid ass, simply putting the bong under a coat in your passenger seat just before the office behind you turns her lights on to pull you over is a weak plan at best.

Personally I don’t believe we need to waste (if you pardon the pun) any jail space on your flea-ridden ass but I firmly believe you need a little walking / bus riding time under your belt.

Oh and your nasty patchouli is a) not making your drug use invisible and b) more annoying than the smell of stale marijuana smoke.

Living The Dream

I am fascinated by people who feel “called” to do something.

Patti DiVita had such a calling, in her case to make a positive film about restaurant wait staff. The result is “Did I Say Thousand Island?”

Here is a quote from her website:

Hi, I'm Patti DiVita. I'm a waitress, not a filmmaker. But I know I was called to make this movie. It's a romantic comedy, based on the incredible things I've seen in 30 years as a waitress.

I knew zippo zilch nothing about making a movie. So I read everything I could about how to make an independent film.

It was crazy. Everything about this movie just kept falling into place. I got actors and crew through word of mouth.

When I was writing, I felt like an antenna. The movie was already out there and I was the one who got to write it. I don’t care what you call it — synchronicity, the universe putting it in my way, for me it’s God. I'm not looking for world peace, but how about a little politeness?

Here’s a nice little article about the movie and the waitress behind it.
Waitressing: The Good, Bad, and Ugly

Download her movie or, better yet, buy her DVD.

also:

Celebrate: National Waiters and Waitresses Day (which was May 21)

On that note, your friends at the Panic Blog wish to remind you:

Servers are not servants.

They put up with your bullshit because they are paid to do so.
Part of that payment is in the form of tips so please tip appropriately.
By appropriate I mean well.

Addressing An Important Problem

Caller: I need help

Police: What’s your address?

Caller: 1234 Main St

Police: Is that a house or an apartment?

Caller: an apartment

Police: (incredulous after all these years) is there an apartment number?

Caller: number 8

This exchange happens at least dozen times a day, every day and it drives me crazy.

The hint is when I ask you if you are in a house or an apartment.
You’re supposed to say, “oh yes. I’m sorry. I should have mentioned I am in apartment 8.”

Your apartment number is

ALWAYS

part of your address.

Tack this up next to your phone if you need the reminder.

**
Oh and these are just regular ol' business line calls, not 911.

How Owning A Condo Can Devastate You Financially

My grandmother owns a 1 bedroom apartment style condominium unit in a two-building 100-unit condo association in a very desirable part of Los Anchorage. In 2007 her property tax assessment was $210,700.

Last June a plumber’s apprentice, not being supervised appropriately, accidentally started a fire which caused one of the buildings (approximately 50 units) to be considered a total loss. Luckily my grandmother lives in the other building. 50 families have no homes now but still are required to pay their condo dues (which are in excess of $400 per month).

Here’s where her luck stops:

It turns out the condo association was drastically under-insured – somewhere between $4,000,000 and $10,000,000 under-insured. Guess who is going to make up the difference?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner – you guessed it: grandma (and 99 of her closest neighbors). She was just notified by the condo board of directors that all owners should expect a special assessment of about $70,000 (middle ground of the two ends of the shortfall continuum).

70,000 dollars. That’s a lot of tall green.

Who can afford to write a $70,000 check? Chances are if any of the condo owners in her association could write such a check they’d be living in an even more desirable area of town.

After the fire (but before the consequences of the fire were fully known) my grandmother obtained “special assessments insurance” which would cover such a check but it’s doubtful they’d cover an assessment for an event which occurred before coverage started.

Either way there are lots of people who are not merely screwed but really most sincerely screwed.

For the foreseeable future no one will be able to sell their condo. Who’d buy such a thing with that special assessment time bomb coming? And since they don’t have any real idea how much that assessment is going to be, how would you put a value on the property? Would any title company clear the property for a mortgage company?

Speaking of mortgages, my grandmother owns her condo outright. For those who still have mortgages on their property they will need to take out and additional $70K loan. Ouch.

This will take years to sort out. A lot of owners are elderly and frankly a lot of them will be dead and buried before the final bill becomes due. Imagine the estate nightmare.

The only positive thing is that her 2008 tax assessment is $160,000. Hooray. Sort of.

***

Fun fact: if you are under-insured you are soundly penalized. It’s called “co-insurance” and what it means is that if you are under-insured then the insurance company assumes you are self-insuring the rest. If you have a claim they will pay based upon the percentage of co-insurance they cover.

It breaks down like this. Say when you bought your house it was valued at and insured for $150,000. But now say your property has appreciated (through natural market forces or by improvements or whatever) such that the house is now worth $200,000 but the insurance was never modified to reflect that. The insurance company is going to assume you meant to be only 75% insured.

So let’s image that Hurricane Jimminy comes by and blows part of your roof off. The cost of the roof repair is $10,000. The insurance company is only going to pay $7500 less your deductible.

Who’s responsible for keeping up with whether you are properly insured? You. If it’s a condo association then it’s the condo association board of directors. In the case of my grandmother’s condo the insurance broker might have some liability but that’s only if he didn’t follow his rules and responsibilities to notify. I’m certain that each board member will be sued. Another reason not to be on the board.

Stop The White On Rice Violence

Rice, at times a symbol of asceticism, will soon be a symbol of affluence.

The Great Rice Panic of 2008 is upon us, ladies and gentlepersons, and the Panic Blog is here to provide you moment by moment coverage of the ongoing side dish debacle from our PanicTracker9000 Mobile News Center (aka my SUV which is only two years younger than the SUV of my least favorite Los Anchorage panhandler).

My wife works at a BigAssed Membership Warehouse Store and these are her observations from the battlefield.

Thursday there were two people having a tug of war over the last BigAssed bag of rice and said bag ripped, spilling rice all over the aisle. Security, or the biggest loss prevention guy, had to separate the combatants. Oh yes, and someone else bought the damaged bag of rice.

Every morning people have been crowding the front doors prior to the store opening, ready to stampede like they’re at a Who concert. They shout to the employees going into work “hey, do you have any rice today?” People are taking rice out of other people’s carts in the store. There have been several fights.

It’s not just her store. Stores all over town are running out of rice. Small Fashionable Yuppie Asian Market didn’t have any white rice for sale, just small packets of wild rice. And wild rice isn’t even rice, it’s like twigs and dirt and stuff.

The Powers That Be tell us there is no actual shortage of rice just a perceived shortage. Well, brothers and sisters, perception is reality. It’s easy to be an existentialist in the foxhole of a Grain War.

Will this escalate into rampaging violence in the streets? Shall we form the Minute Rice Men? Will Uncle Ben have to gird his loins for battle? Where will this end?

Oh the humanity.

Myspace Code Generator

and hey, the Los Anchorage Daily News has a story today on the same topic.. great minds, eh? Here's the story:

Rumors of rice shortage spur daily rush at Anchorage stores

~~
Monk receiving breakfast rice in begging bowl photo: www.kheper.net

Uncle Ben photo: www.racewire.org

Lovin' Alaska

Yesterday the lawn was completely clear of snow and the day before it was 60 degrees.
Most folks have already replaced their studded snow tires with their summer tires.

Today it has snowed a foot and we expect another foot by tomorrow morning. And it's that heavy wet heart-attack snow.

Work tomorrow is going to be nothing but accidents and vehicles in ditches.

Yum.

Another Panhandler Story

This one from Salt Lake City, Utah

Needy or Greedy? Panhandler Seen By 2News Living In Sugar House

The story describes a young woman who makes, roughly, $50 per hour and instead of being homeless, as her sign suggests, she lives at her mother's house.

I'm a liberal so I'm all for charity. Do I give enough to charitable organizations? Nope. Should I give way more? Yup.

But, as I've said many times before (list of panhandler stories), panhandlers piss me right off.

You've been warned, people, if you give money to panhandlers you are perpetuating the problem. You are being duped. You are undoubtedly a well-meaning person but you are being taken advantage of. Oh and here's a story out of Denver, Colorado with more numbers.

Better to spend you money on hookers, at least they WORK for a living.

~~
Photo: http://www.sptimes.com/2007/01/19/Pasco/Got_beer_He_could_use.shtml

A Baby Boy For Skinny G

Alaska Governor Sarah "Skinny G" Palin is the proud mother of newborn boy:

Trig Paxson Van Palin

The story is here: Gov. Palin gives birth to son

It remains unclear where "Trig" comes from but "Paxson" is a teenie-tiny Alaskan town north of Glennallen (which is also a tiny town).

And yes, the "Van" is because "Van Palin" sounds cool to the Governor who loves her 80's rock bands.

Best wishes to Skinny G and the whole Palin clan from her friends at the Panic Blog

Never Mess With an Angry Chicken Flinger

Clemson woman allegedly acts out during Wal-Mart termination process

By Pearce Adams (Contact)
Originally published 10:49 a.m., March 31, 2008
Updated 10:49 a.m., March 31, 2008

ANDERSON — A Clemson woman is facing charges of going “postal” at Wal-Mart in Anderson, causing $2,800 in damage when store managers terminated her from her job in the store's delicatessen.

Shanay Buie allegedly became upset about 3:30 p.m. Friday at 3812 Liberty Hwy.

“She returned to the deli and threw 2 chickens at 2 customers,” according to the
incident report. “At that time, she also threw on the ground 2 printers worth about $1,000 each. She also threw to the ground 2 sets of dishes worth about $400 a set.”

An arrest has not been made, according to records at the Anderson City Jail.

~~~
News from The Independent Mail
buy your own Slingshot Flying Chicken with Scream Sound
(and I don't get anything for shilling for them but since I'm using their picture it seems only fair to plug them)

Silly Poetry Saturday

not haiku, just three line poems

Your warm embrace protects me

like gelatin surrounding Vienna Sausages

to prevent their damage in transit

***

Gas prices are high

but not as high as the gas price paid

after eating too much Mexican food

Photos

Vienna Sausages

Mexican Food

Why I Hate Politicians , example #1

I want to like John McCain, I really do.

War hero: undeniable

Not a Christian Conservative Zealot – also a plus

And yet… well, just read this quote:

Weaver is John Weaver, [McCain's] senior adviser
Brian is Mr. Jones, [McCain's] press secretary

Reporter: “Should U.S. taxpayer money go to places like Africa to fund contraception to prevent AIDS?”

Mr. McCain: “Well I think it’s a combination. The guy I really respect on this is Dr. Coburn. He believes – and I was just reading the thing he wrote– that you should do what you can to encourage abstinence where there is going to be sexual activity. Where that doesn’t succeed, than he thinks that we should employ contraceptives as well. But I agree with him that the first priority is on abstinence. I look to people like Dr. Coburn. I’m not very wise on it.”

(Mr. McCain turns to take a question on Iraq, but a moment later looks back to the reporter who asked him about AIDS.)

Mr. McCain: “I haven’t thought about it. Before I give you an answer, let me think about. Let me think about it a little bit because I never got a question about it before. I don’t know if I would use taxpayers’ money for it.”

Q: “What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy.”

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

Originally from Adam Nagourney at The Caucus, The New York Times Politics Blog
But I saw it first on First Door on the Left

What?

Firstly: "I've never gotten into these issues before?" This cannot be the first time he's been asked about abstinence-only sex education and contraception. So he's either daft or a liar.

Secondly: "I refuse to answer until I have LexisNexis and Google'd all of my prior known statements on the issue," should never be an acceptable answer. Would John McCain rather be known as daft or as a liar than be known as a flip-flopper? Can't we just let our politicians (our prospective commander in chief) change their minds over their career on issues?

In this case I'm blaming both the playah and the game.

Thank you, Senator, for being honest enough to tell us why you are not going to answer on this issue but shame on you for not answering at all.

Straight Talk Express, my ass.

Photo by: Media.washingtonpost.com

Battle: Dogfood

Hills Prescription Diet R/D dog food $2.50 per can

NonFat Plain Yogurt $2.49 per quart

Proof that I've watched entirely too much
Iron Chef on the Food Network: Priceless

I am more important than YOU , another Good Samaritan story

It doesn’t pay to help people. Did I mention that earlier?

And I'm not kidding in the slightest. In almost all situations I am number one. Okay, so my wife could come first. Perhaps a child of mine, perhaps not depending on if their room was clean as per instructed.

But generally I come before you.

Should the airplane cabin lose pressure, I will be putting on my oxygen mask on first. Then I'll help you.

I am unlikely to run into a burning building. I'm not a fireman. I don't have rescue equipment with me (the least of which being breathing equipment).

I'll be the guy calling 911. I can do that safely.

Why do I mention this again and again and again? To prevent you from becoming a victim like this lady:

Woman Trying to Help After Crash Bitten

Mar 27, 9:57 PM (ET)

NEW CASTLE, Ind. (AP) - A woman who tried to help after a car crash was punched and bitten by the man she was trying to assist, police said. "It was just crazy. I was just trying to help," 28-year-old Danielle Herndon of New Castle said Wednesday.

Rex Allen Shannon, 21, Middletown, was being held Wednesday night in eastern Indiana's Henry County Jail on charges of battery resulting in bodily injury, battery by body waste, intimidation, public intoxication, driving while intoxicated and resisting law enforcement. His bond was set at $39,500.

Two of the charges are felonies with a possible penalty of two to eight years in prison; three are felonies punishable by six months to three years in prison.

Authorities said Herndon was riding home from Indianapolis with her mother on Interstate 70 Tuesday night when a car driven by Shannon passed her in the grass, crossed the highway, flipped and landed south of the road.

"I thought he was dead," Herndon said.

Her mother, who was driving, pulled over and Herndon called 911, then ran to the other car. Shannon already had climbed out, she said.

"I leaned down and asked him 'Are you OK?' I didn't see any blood or anything. 'Are you OK? Is everything OK?' And he started cussing me," Herndon said.

Shannon then charged toward her mother and hit and bit Herndon when she got in the way, Herndon said.

"He was still biting me when the cops finally showed up," Herndon said.

When Indiana State Police Trooper Dave Whitinger arrived, he handcuffed Shannon. When another police officer and a medic arrived, Shannon kicked and spat on both men, Whitinger said.

"In 11 years I'd never seen anything like it," Whitinger said. "Definitely a weird one."

Herndon said the ring finger on her left hand was broken and doctors told her that her nose might also be broken.
---
Information from: The Star Press, http://www.thestarpress.com

And, um... "battery by body waste" ??

Yick

Panhandlers: I Shit You Not

I received a 911 call earlier today from a woman who was curious what number to dial to report a male harassing her. I told her that if it was going on right now, 911 was fine – do tell.

She said she was panhandling at one of our fair city's most lucrative corners and a drunk male, also panhandling, had been belligerent and shoved her. They were both standing on the raised median between lanes (4 lanes one direction, 3 lanes the other).

I asked the caller where officers could meet her for contact. She said she was still in the median. I told her she needed to get out of the street and pick a corner that she’d be safe at.

She said, I’ll just wait in my car.

Um… okay. What kind of car?

I’ll be in my 1998 (ubiquitous SUV).

~~~

Wait – wait – wait. She’s a panhandler by profession and drives a 1998 SUV ? And I know the parking lot she had parked at. – she’s not camping there at night. She drives this vehicle.

Granted that it is a 10 year old vehicle and could be a POS but c’mon – it’s only 2 years older than my ubiquitous SUV! And she’s calling me from a cellular phone. How much does that cost? I know how much it costs me and I consider it something of a luxury.

These are your charity dollars at work, people.

If you continue to give money to panhandlers this is where it goes and you are only perpetuating the problem.

Oh and by the way, if you wish to invoke the Good Samaritan story in the Bible – you’re drinking the wrong color Kool-Aid.

Luke 10:30-37

(The PanicBlog translation, your Bible may vary)

A guy was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. Banditos beat him up and left him for dead. (PanicBlog note: Bear in mind the half-dead guy had no sign mentioning he would work for food or that he was a Maccabean War Veteran.)

A priest walked up the same road and, upon seeing said half-dead guy, stepped to the other side of the road and kept walking. A second passerby, evidently wearing Levi’s, did the very same thing.

A third passerby, this one a Samaritan, saw the miserable heap of human flesh laying on the side of the road and did what? (PanicBlog note: Did he give him $20. No. Did he simply give the guy a meal? Nope.)

What G-Sam did was this: He bandaged the victim’s wounds. He poured oil and wine on him. He loaded him up into his donkey (which incidentally was the SUV of its time and considered something of a ‘sweet ride.’) He took him to the Motel VI where he then took care of him and paid for his food and lodging. He also gave the guy 2 silver coins. (PanicBlog note: Considering that Judas Iscariot sold out the Son of God for 30 silver coins, this was some tall green).

Sooooo, boys and girls. If you want to help the homeless – go all the way. Take ‘em home. Set them up with health care and some spending money.

Or perhaps spend your panhandler money more wisely and give it to a social service agency which will do all of those things. There are many of them and you know which ones they are.

Another thing to consider was the story Luke failed to mentioned: The story of G-Sam’s brother, we’ll call him “D-Sam” for Dead Samaritan who was shanked in the eye with a spork when stopping to aid a homeless looking subject. His case wasn’t so parable-worthy as his brother.

** yes, I know, there is a whole different point to the Good Samaritan story which has to do with racial tolerance. I don’t claim to be any kind of religious scholar. I don’t even claim to be the least bit religious.

More Panic blog panhandler stories

Science Saturday

Greek dig yields evidence of early brain surgery

The skull of a young woman shows a wound that indicates an attempt to
save her life, nearly 1,800 years ago.
From the Associated Press
March 15, 2008
THESSALONIKI, GREECE -- Greek archaeologists have unearthed evidence of what they believe was brain surgery performed nearly 1,800 years ago on a young woman who died during or shortly after the operation (the rest of the story)

**

Just a few feet away archaeologists unearthed evidence of the first medical malpractice lawsuit. (insert rim-shot)

Photos: Greek Culture Ministry, Coinlink

Creepy Batman Poster

photo: http://thedarkknight.warnerbros.com/onesheet.jpg

Write Your Own Joke

or even your own diatribe about racism. Your pick.

From the upcoming movie Tropic Thunder.


Yes, the black guy is Robert Downey Jr.

And the blonde is Jack Black but that's less interesting.

Photos: Daily Mail UK

Stupid Laws, Drugs Edition

City may ban little baggies

March 5, 2008

BY FRAN SPIELMAN City Hall Reporter
Chicago Sun-Times

Tiny plastic bags used to sell small quantities of heroin, crack cocaine, marijuana and other drugs would be banned in Chicago, under a crackdown advanced Tuesday by a City Council committee.

Ald. Robert Fioretti (2nd) persuaded the Health Committee to ban possession of "self-sealing plastic bags under two inches in either height or width," after picking up 15 of the bags on a recent Sunday afternoon stroll through a West Side park.

Lt. Kevin Navarro, commanding officer of the Chicago Police Department's Narcotics and Gang Unit, said the ordinance will be an "important tool" to go after grocery stores, health food stores and other businesses. The bags are used by the thousand to sell small quantities of drugs at $10 or $20 a bag. (read the rest of the story)

McFly!

With respect to Lt Navarro, who likely spends a lot of time with druggies, and Alderman Fioretti, who likely spends a lot of time trying to convince people he's doing a something to help them, this is amazingly silly and a poor use of time and energy.

Let's list a bunch of other perfectly innocuous items which could be outlawed due to their ties to drug use:

glass tubing
matches
steel wool
disposable lighters
hollow car antennae
aluminum foil
aluminum beverage cans
coffee
condoms
balloons
rock salt
rubbing alcohol
drain cleaner
acetone
brake fluid
rat poison
metal spoons

Banning tiny plastic bags to stop drug dealing is like banning alcoholic beverages to stop venereal disease.

Photo:
www.fantasticstamper.com which I sincerely doubt is catering to the drug trade.

Skinny G is PG !!

Alaska Gov. Palin Expecting 5th Child

Mar 5, 11:38 PM (ET)

By STEVE QUINN

(AP) Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin speaks in Washington, in this Sunday, Feb. 24, 2008 file photo. Palin said... Full Image

JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) - Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband are expecting their fifth child in May, she announced Wednesday.

Palin, 44, who just two months ago was modeling for the fashion magazine Vogue, doesn't look seven months pregnant.

"I will be delivering an addition to the first family," Palin told a stunned group of reporters.

The Republican governor, now in her second year as Alaska's chief executive, said she does not believe the pregnancy will affect her ability to run the state. Palin has been mentioned as a potential running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.

She said her work as Wasilla mayor had only a brief interruption when she had her youngest daughter, Piper, six years ago.

"I had Piper on a Monday and I was back to work on a Tuesday," Palin said. "I even brought her to work with me."

Todd Palin, a worker in the North Slope oil fields, is on leave from his job with oil giant BP.

The other Palin children are Track, 18; Bristol 17; Willow 13; and Piper, 6.

Track enlisted in the Army last year and has been assigned to Fort Wainwright in Fairbanks.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Jane Swift was the nation's first governor to give birth while in office. She had twin girls May 15, 2001.

---

Congratulations and best wishes to our beloved Governor.

Oh and who wants in the "Palin child name contest" ?

Consider her other choices carefully before proceeding.

My picks:
If she's a girl: ANWR for obvious reasons related to abstinence education
If he's a boy: GRIZZLY

Gary Gygax July 27, 1938 – March 4, 2008

Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax dies

Agence France-Presse

CHICAGO - Gary Gygax, co-creator of the iconic Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game and considered the father of modern role-playing gaming, died in his home Tuesday, his wife said.

Gygax had been suffering from a number of health problems including an incurable heart aneurism, Gail Gygax said. He was 69. (the rest of this article)

It's easy to mock folks who play or have played role playing games as geeks or nerds or whatever. Sure, you bet. But RPG games live on in person and through the internet. You've probably played more than one.

Gary Gygax enriched the lives of a lot of people through his games.
He had a dream and he rocked that mother fucker.




Photos:
Gary Gygax
Players Handbook
d20

Jeff Healey March 25, 1966 - March 2, 2008

Musician Jeff Healey dies of cancer
by Jack Spearman and Jessey Bird, Canwest News Service

Photos
http://photo.phui.com/html/JeffHealey_main.shtml
http://butikksenteret.com/bluesbutikken/images/14966.jpg
http://zenekucko.blogspot.com/2007/03/jeff-healey-band-cover-to-cover-1995.html

Madness, Mayhem, and a Side of Slaw

Robber wields spork, police say

Anchorage Daily News

Published: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM
Last Modified: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM

A man accused of attempting an armed robbery with what appears to have been a spork was arrested Monday night, when police say they placed him at the scene of the crime through the use of KFC bags, according to Anchorage police.

Police responding to the intersection of 11th Avenue and Turpin Street at about 10:30 p.m. were told the robber tried to grab at the victim's watch, managing to unlatch it but not get it off his wrist, police Lt. Paul Honeman said. The suspect fled without stealing anything, he said.

Police located an intoxicated Peter Albert, 52, a few blocks away with a small pocketknife as well as a backpack containing a KFC bag and some sporks -- plastic spoon/fork hybrids, he said.

Police found other KFC products discarded at the scene of the robbery, Honeman said.

Though the victim reported the robber was swinging a pocketknife, the weapon may have in fact been a spork based on the four parallel scratches officers found on the victim's side, Honeman said. Police have not ruled out a knife was used, however.

Albert was being held at the Anchorage jail in lieu of $5,000 bail on a charge of first-degree robbery.

I'm not suggesting it would be fun to be shanked with a spork but if you examine the contents of any random bag of KFC I wonder how far down the list the spork would be in terms of things which are deadly.

1. chicken injected with enough fat and chemicals that, while tasty, it will make your poop turn green.

2. mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans in sauce - carbs carbs carbs

In fact, that stick they use for the corn on the cob is probably more deadly than the spork.

Yet its just this kind of resourcefulness which gives me hope for the survival of society. If this suspect had used his ingenuity for the forces of good we'd already have solved this global warming problem and I'd be spending my time sharpening sporks to fend off all the polar bears.

Or not.

photo: http://blogs.townonline.com/somerville/?p=11241

A World Away

I listen to the audible.com audio version of the New York Times nearly every weekday morning. Monday the 18^th I heard a story which made me do an audio double-take.

The story by Taimoor Shah and Carlotta Gall was headlined:

At Least 80 Are Killed in Afghan Suicide Bombing

Aww.. that’s horrible, 80 people.

Another piece of the story (skipping down a couple of paragraphs):

“The governor of Kandahar Province, Asadullah Khaled, said 80 people had died and more than 90 had been wounded….

“’This is the action of the enemies of our country,’ Mr. Khaled said. ‘They do not let Afghans enjoy their lives and have a peaceful life....’"

Fair enough. But what kind of peaceful life were these poor victims enjoying at the time of the carnage? Back to the first line of the story:

"...A suicide bomber blew himself up in a large crowd gathered at a dogfighting event just outside this city in southern Afghanistan, killing about 80 people and wounding more than 90 others in the country’s worst single bombing since 2001...."

Dogfighting? What the fuck? I’m not a borderline crazy animal advocate like my lovely wife but dogfighting? Uncool. Granted you shouldn’t be blown up but it woke me up to what kind of backward country Afghanistan still is.

Incidentally I never knew dogfighting was one word. I guess it’s like horseracing but Word doesn’t like it. Oh well, you learn something new every day. Like this:

“...Thousands of people were watching the dogs fighting, including young children and old people. Some people were selling things like oranges and tea and other food from stalls. People had come from different parts of Kandahar Province....”

Perhaps we could introduce more humane sports while we are hunting for Bin Laden. Imagine Tomahawk missiles with payloads of basketballs, baseballs, and even footballs.

Hey, perhaps Michael Vick could play quarterback for the Tora Bora Titans when he gets out of the pokey.

Separated At Birth: Skinny G Edition

Skinny G & Lisa Loeb?

You never see them together.

This picture is of Skinny G, Alaskan singer/songwriter Adele Morgan and, evidently, Will Truman. If you squint you can see Jack and Karen in the background too.




incidentally: Dave's mom wears army boots. really. all the time.

Spoiled by DVR

Yesterday Kelli and I were in the car headed to pick up SugarBaby from her annual dental cleaning when Exile’s “I Want to Kiss You All Over” came on the radio.

It’s one of Kelli’s favorite songs but since we were just pulling into the vet’s office we could only hear the first minute of it. Kelli mentioned how she wished she could hit the “pause” button and resume or replay it after picking up the dog.

It turns out the 2008 Cadillac CTS has just such a feature, at least according to the commercial where the guy says the Cadi makes him feel like Mohammed Ali. No, not old and shaky but the old Ali – quick and powerful.

Anyway, this is an example of how DVR has ruined us. I can hardly watch live TV any more and when I do I constantly rewind to show Kelli something or pause to “hit the ladies” (use the bathroom). Kelli doesn't even necessarily want things replayed for her.

I’ve been known to pause live TV and wash dishes or some other chore just so I can come back in 15 minutes and skip the commercials for the rest of the show.

Soon I’ll be impatient enough to want to pause real life. Just hit the pause button and get back to whatever situation as the mood suits me.

I’d fast forward through dentist appointments and use the “slow” button for when the alarm rings in the morning.

And perhaps this is why I haven’t posted a blog entry since the SuperBowl, I was on “pause.”

Now I’m back, babies.

But not in a creepy way.

Congratulations NY Giants

I'm not going to pretend that I'm normally a NYG fan but the Giants defense was great all game and Eli Manning delivered when it counted.

And does anyone know what happens to all those suddenly incorrect "New England Patriots Superbowl XLII Champions" hats and t-shirts ? Are there going to be a lot of the homeless sporting Tom Brady clothing next week?