Silly Poetry Saturday

not haiku, just three line poems

Your warm embrace protects me

like gelatin surrounding Vienna Sausages

to prevent their damage in transit

***

Gas prices are high

but not as high as the gas price paid

after eating too much Mexican food

Photos

Vienna Sausages

Mexican Food

Why I Hate Politicians , example #1

I want to like John McCain, I really do.

War hero: undeniable

Not a Christian Conservative Zealot – also a plus

And yet… well, just read this quote:

Weaver is John Weaver, [McCain's] senior adviser
Brian is Mr. Jones, [McCain's] press secretary

Reporter: “Should U.S. taxpayer money go to places like Africa to fund contraception to prevent AIDS?”

Mr. McCain: “Well I think it’s a combination. The guy I really respect on this is Dr. Coburn. He believes – and I was just reading the thing he wrote– that you should do what you can to encourage abstinence where there is going to be sexual activity. Where that doesn’t succeed, than he thinks that we should employ contraceptives as well. But I agree with him that the first priority is on abstinence. I look to people like Dr. Coburn. I’m not very wise on it.”

(Mr. McCain turns to take a question on Iraq, but a moment later looks back to the reporter who asked him about AIDS.)

Mr. McCain: “I haven’t thought about it. Before I give you an answer, let me think about. Let me think about it a little bit because I never got a question about it before. I don’t know if I would use taxpayers’ money for it.”

Q: “What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy.”

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

Originally from Adam Nagourney at The Caucus, The New York Times Politics Blog
But I saw it first on First Door on the Left

What?

Firstly: "I've never gotten into these issues before?" This cannot be the first time he's been asked about abstinence-only sex education and contraception. So he's either daft or a liar.

Secondly: "I refuse to answer until I have LexisNexis and Google'd all of my prior known statements on the issue," should never be an acceptable answer. Would John McCain rather be known as daft or as a liar than be known as a flip-flopper? Can't we just let our politicians (our prospective commander in chief) change their minds over their career on issues?

In this case I'm blaming both the playah and the game.

Thank you, Senator, for being honest enough to tell us why you are not going to answer on this issue but shame on you for not answering at all.

Straight Talk Express, my ass.

Photo by: Media.washingtonpost.com

Battle: Dogfood

Hills Prescription Diet R/D dog food $2.50 per can

NonFat Plain Yogurt $2.49 per quart

Proof that I've watched entirely too much
Iron Chef on the Food Network: Priceless

I am more important than YOU , another Good Samaritan story

It doesn’t pay to help people. Did I mention that earlier?

And I'm not kidding in the slightest. In almost all situations I am number one. Okay, so my wife could come first. Perhaps a child of mine, perhaps not depending on if their room was clean as per instructed.

But generally I come before you.

Should the airplane cabin lose pressure, I will be putting on my oxygen mask on first. Then I'll help you.

I am unlikely to run into a burning building. I'm not a fireman. I don't have rescue equipment with me (the least of which being breathing equipment).

I'll be the guy calling 911. I can do that safely.

Why do I mention this again and again and again? To prevent you from becoming a victim like this lady:

Woman Trying to Help After Crash Bitten

Mar 27, 9:57 PM (ET)

NEW CASTLE, Ind. (AP) - A woman who tried to help after a car crash was punched and bitten by the man she was trying to assist, police said. "It was just crazy. I was just trying to help," 28-year-old Danielle Herndon of New Castle said Wednesday.

Rex Allen Shannon, 21, Middletown, was being held Wednesday night in eastern Indiana's Henry County Jail on charges of battery resulting in bodily injury, battery by body waste, intimidation, public intoxication, driving while intoxicated and resisting law enforcement. His bond was set at $39,500.

Two of the charges are felonies with a possible penalty of two to eight years in prison; three are felonies punishable by six months to three years in prison.

Authorities said Herndon was riding home from Indianapolis with her mother on Interstate 70 Tuesday night when a car driven by Shannon passed her in the grass, crossed the highway, flipped and landed south of the road.

"I thought he was dead," Herndon said.

Her mother, who was driving, pulled over and Herndon called 911, then ran to the other car. Shannon already had climbed out, she said.

"I leaned down and asked him 'Are you OK?' I didn't see any blood or anything. 'Are you OK? Is everything OK?' And he started cussing me," Herndon said.

Shannon then charged toward her mother and hit and bit Herndon when she got in the way, Herndon said.

"He was still biting me when the cops finally showed up," Herndon said.

When Indiana State Police Trooper Dave Whitinger arrived, he handcuffed Shannon. When another police officer and a medic arrived, Shannon kicked and spat on both men, Whitinger said.

"In 11 years I'd never seen anything like it," Whitinger said. "Definitely a weird one."

Herndon said the ring finger on her left hand was broken and doctors told her that her nose might also be broken.
---
Information from: The Star Press, http://www.thestarpress.com

And, um... "battery by body waste" ??

Yick

Panhandlers: I Shit You Not

I received a 911 call earlier today from a woman who was curious what number to dial to report a male harassing her. I told her that if it was going on right now, 911 was fine – do tell.

She said she was panhandling at one of our fair city's most lucrative corners and a drunk male, also panhandling, had been belligerent and shoved her. They were both standing on the raised median between lanes (4 lanes one direction, 3 lanes the other).

I asked the caller where officers could meet her for contact. She said she was still in the median. I told her she needed to get out of the street and pick a corner that she’d be safe at.

She said, I’ll just wait in my car.

Um… okay. What kind of car?

I’ll be in my 1998 (ubiquitous SUV).

~~~

Wait – wait – wait. She’s a panhandler by profession and drives a 1998 SUV ? And I know the parking lot she had parked at. – she’s not camping there at night. She drives this vehicle.

Granted that it is a 10 year old vehicle and could be a POS but c’mon – it’s only 2 years older than my ubiquitous SUV! And she’s calling me from a cellular phone. How much does that cost? I know how much it costs me and I consider it something of a luxury.

These are your charity dollars at work, people.

If you continue to give money to panhandlers this is where it goes and you are only perpetuating the problem.

Oh and by the way, if you wish to invoke the Good Samaritan story in the Bible – you’re drinking the wrong color Kool-Aid.

Luke 10:30-37

(The PanicBlog translation, your Bible may vary)

A guy was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. Banditos beat him up and left him for dead. (PanicBlog note: Bear in mind the half-dead guy had no sign mentioning he would work for food or that he was a Maccabean War Veteran.)

A priest walked up the same road and, upon seeing said half-dead guy, stepped to the other side of the road and kept walking. A second passerby, evidently wearing Levi’s, did the very same thing.

A third passerby, this one a Samaritan, saw the miserable heap of human flesh laying on the side of the road and did what? (PanicBlog note: Did he give him $20. No. Did he simply give the guy a meal? Nope.)

What G-Sam did was this: He bandaged the victim’s wounds. He poured oil and wine on him. He loaded him up into his donkey (which incidentally was the SUV of its time and considered something of a ‘sweet ride.’) He took him to the Motel VI where he then took care of him and paid for his food and lodging. He also gave the guy 2 silver coins. (PanicBlog note: Considering that Judas Iscariot sold out the Son of God for 30 silver coins, this was some tall green).

Sooooo, boys and girls. If you want to help the homeless – go all the way. Take ‘em home. Set them up with health care and some spending money.

Or perhaps spend your panhandler money more wisely and give it to a social service agency which will do all of those things. There are many of them and you know which ones they are.

Another thing to consider was the story Luke failed to mentioned: The story of G-Sam’s brother, we’ll call him “D-Sam” for Dead Samaritan who was shanked in the eye with a spork when stopping to aid a homeless looking subject. His case wasn’t so parable-worthy as his brother.

** yes, I know, there is a whole different point to the Good Samaritan story which has to do with racial tolerance. I don’t claim to be any kind of religious scholar. I don’t even claim to be the least bit religious.

More Panic blog panhandler stories

Science Saturday

Greek dig yields evidence of early brain surgery

The skull of a young woman shows a wound that indicates an attempt to
save her life, nearly 1,800 years ago.
From the Associated Press
March 15, 2008
THESSALONIKI, GREECE -- Greek archaeologists have unearthed evidence of what they believe was brain surgery performed nearly 1,800 years ago on a young woman who died during or shortly after the operation (the rest of the story)

**

Just a few feet away archaeologists unearthed evidence of the first medical malpractice lawsuit. (insert rim-shot)

Photos: Greek Culture Ministry, Coinlink

Creepy Batman Poster

photo: http://thedarkknight.warnerbros.com/onesheet.jpg

Write Your Own Joke

or even your own diatribe about racism. Your pick.

From the upcoming movie Tropic Thunder.


Yes, the black guy is Robert Downey Jr.

And the blonde is Jack Black but that's less interesting.

Photos: Daily Mail UK

Stupid Laws, Drugs Edition

City may ban little baggies

March 5, 2008

BY FRAN SPIELMAN City Hall Reporter
Chicago Sun-Times

Tiny plastic bags used to sell small quantities of heroin, crack cocaine, marijuana and other drugs would be banned in Chicago, under a crackdown advanced Tuesday by a City Council committee.

Ald. Robert Fioretti (2nd) persuaded the Health Committee to ban possession of "self-sealing plastic bags under two inches in either height or width," after picking up 15 of the bags on a recent Sunday afternoon stroll through a West Side park.

Lt. Kevin Navarro, commanding officer of the Chicago Police Department's Narcotics and Gang Unit, said the ordinance will be an "important tool" to go after grocery stores, health food stores and other businesses. The bags are used by the thousand to sell small quantities of drugs at $10 or $20 a bag. (read the rest of the story)

McFly!

With respect to Lt Navarro, who likely spends a lot of time with druggies, and Alderman Fioretti, who likely spends a lot of time trying to convince people he's doing a something to help them, this is amazingly silly and a poor use of time and energy.

Let's list a bunch of other perfectly innocuous items which could be outlawed due to their ties to drug use:

glass tubing
matches
steel wool
disposable lighters
hollow car antennae
aluminum foil
aluminum beverage cans
coffee
condoms
balloons
rock salt
rubbing alcohol
drain cleaner
acetone
brake fluid
rat poison
metal spoons

Banning tiny plastic bags to stop drug dealing is like banning alcoholic beverages to stop venereal disease.

Photo:
www.fantasticstamper.com which I sincerely doubt is catering to the drug trade.

Skinny G is PG !!

Alaska Gov. Palin Expecting 5th Child

Mar 5, 11:38 PM (ET)

By STEVE QUINN

(AP) Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin speaks in Washington, in this Sunday, Feb. 24, 2008 file photo. Palin said... Full Image

JUNEAU, Alaska (AP) - Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband are expecting their fifth child in May, she announced Wednesday.

Palin, 44, who just two months ago was modeling for the fashion magazine Vogue, doesn't look seven months pregnant.

"I will be delivering an addition to the first family," Palin told a stunned group of reporters.

The Republican governor, now in her second year as Alaska's chief executive, said she does not believe the pregnancy will affect her ability to run the state. Palin has been mentioned as a potential running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.

She said her work as Wasilla mayor had only a brief interruption when she had her youngest daughter, Piper, six years ago.

"I had Piper on a Monday and I was back to work on a Tuesday," Palin said. "I even brought her to work with me."

Todd Palin, a worker in the North Slope oil fields, is on leave from his job with oil giant BP.

The other Palin children are Track, 18; Bristol 17; Willow 13; and Piper, 6.

Track enlisted in the Army last year and has been assigned to Fort Wainwright in Fairbanks.

Former Massachusetts Gov. Jane Swift was the nation's first governor to give birth while in office. She had twin girls May 15, 2001.

---

Congratulations and best wishes to our beloved Governor.

Oh and who wants in the "Palin child name contest" ?

Consider her other choices carefully before proceeding.

My picks:
If she's a girl: ANWR for obvious reasons related to abstinence education
If he's a boy: GRIZZLY

Gary Gygax July 27, 1938 – March 4, 2008

Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax dies

Agence France-Presse

CHICAGO - Gary Gygax, co-creator of the iconic Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game and considered the father of modern role-playing gaming, died in his home Tuesday, his wife said.

Gygax had been suffering from a number of health problems including an incurable heart aneurism, Gail Gygax said. He was 69. (the rest of this article)

It's easy to mock folks who play or have played role playing games as geeks or nerds or whatever. Sure, you bet. But RPG games live on in person and through the internet. You've probably played more than one.

Gary Gygax enriched the lives of a lot of people through his games.
He had a dream and he rocked that mother fucker.




Photos:
Gary Gygax
Players Handbook
d20

Jeff Healey March 25, 1966 - March 2, 2008

Musician Jeff Healey dies of cancer
by Jack Spearman and Jessey Bird, Canwest News Service

Photos
http://photo.phui.com/html/JeffHealey_main.shtml
http://butikksenteret.com/bluesbutikken/images/14966.jpg
http://zenekucko.blogspot.com/2007/03/jeff-healey-band-cover-to-cover-1995.html

Madness, Mayhem, and a Side of Slaw

Robber wields spork, police say

Anchorage Daily News

Published: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM
Last Modified: February 27th, 2008 12:49 AM

A man accused of attempting an armed robbery with what appears to have been a spork was arrested Monday night, when police say they placed him at the scene of the crime through the use of KFC bags, according to Anchorage police.

Police responding to the intersection of 11th Avenue and Turpin Street at about 10:30 p.m. were told the robber tried to grab at the victim's watch, managing to unlatch it but not get it off his wrist, police Lt. Paul Honeman said. The suspect fled without stealing anything, he said.

Police located an intoxicated Peter Albert, 52, a few blocks away with a small pocketknife as well as a backpack containing a KFC bag and some sporks -- plastic spoon/fork hybrids, he said.

Police found other KFC products discarded at the scene of the robbery, Honeman said.

Though the victim reported the robber was swinging a pocketknife, the weapon may have in fact been a spork based on the four parallel scratches officers found on the victim's side, Honeman said. Police have not ruled out a knife was used, however.

Albert was being held at the Anchorage jail in lieu of $5,000 bail on a charge of first-degree robbery.

I'm not suggesting it would be fun to be shanked with a spork but if you examine the contents of any random bag of KFC I wonder how far down the list the spork would be in terms of things which are deadly.

1. chicken injected with enough fat and chemicals that, while tasty, it will make your poop turn green.

2. mashed potatoes, corn, baked beans in sauce - carbs carbs carbs

In fact, that stick they use for the corn on the cob is probably more deadly than the spork.

Yet its just this kind of resourcefulness which gives me hope for the survival of society. If this suspect had used his ingenuity for the forces of good we'd already have solved this global warming problem and I'd be spending my time sharpening sporks to fend off all the polar bears.

Or not.

photo: http://blogs.townonline.com/somerville/?p=11241

A World Away

I listen to the audible.com audio version of the New York Times nearly every weekday morning. Monday the 18^th I heard a story which made me do an audio double-take.

The story by Taimoor Shah and Carlotta Gall was headlined:

At Least 80 Are Killed in Afghan Suicide Bombing

Aww.. that’s horrible, 80 people.

Another piece of the story (skipping down a couple of paragraphs):

“The governor of Kandahar Province, Asadullah Khaled, said 80 people had died and more than 90 had been wounded….

“’This is the action of the enemies of our country,’ Mr. Khaled said. ‘They do not let Afghans enjoy their lives and have a peaceful life....’"

Fair enough. But what kind of peaceful life were these poor victims enjoying at the time of the carnage? Back to the first line of the story:

"...A suicide bomber blew himself up in a large crowd gathered at a dogfighting event just outside this city in southern Afghanistan, killing about 80 people and wounding more than 90 others in the country’s worst single bombing since 2001...."

Dogfighting? What the fuck? I’m not a borderline crazy animal advocate like my lovely wife but dogfighting? Uncool. Granted you shouldn’t be blown up but it woke me up to what kind of backward country Afghanistan still is.

Incidentally I never knew dogfighting was one word. I guess it’s like horseracing but Word doesn’t like it. Oh well, you learn something new every day. Like this:

“...Thousands of people were watching the dogs fighting, including young children and old people. Some people were selling things like oranges and tea and other food from stalls. People had come from different parts of Kandahar Province....”

Perhaps we could introduce more humane sports while we are hunting for Bin Laden. Imagine Tomahawk missiles with payloads of basketballs, baseballs, and even footballs.

Hey, perhaps Michael Vick could play quarterback for the Tora Bora Titans when he gets out of the pokey.

Separated At Birth: Skinny G Edition

Skinny G & Lisa Loeb?

You never see them together.

This picture is of Skinny G, Alaskan singer/songwriter Adele Morgan and, evidently, Will Truman. If you squint you can see Jack and Karen in the background too.




incidentally: Dave's mom wears army boots. really. all the time.

Spoiled by DVR

Yesterday Kelli and I were in the car headed to pick up SugarBaby from her annual dental cleaning when Exile’s “I Want to Kiss You All Over” came on the radio.

It’s one of Kelli’s favorite songs but since we were just pulling into the vet’s office we could only hear the first minute of it. Kelli mentioned how she wished she could hit the “pause” button and resume or replay it after picking up the dog.

It turns out the 2008 Cadillac CTS has just such a feature, at least according to the commercial where the guy says the Cadi makes him feel like Mohammed Ali. No, not old and shaky but the old Ali – quick and powerful.

Anyway, this is an example of how DVR has ruined us. I can hardly watch live TV any more and when I do I constantly rewind to show Kelli something or pause to “hit the ladies” (use the bathroom). Kelli doesn't even necessarily want things replayed for her.

I’ve been known to pause live TV and wash dishes or some other chore just so I can come back in 15 minutes and skip the commercials for the rest of the show.

Soon I’ll be impatient enough to want to pause real life. Just hit the pause button and get back to whatever situation as the mood suits me.

I’d fast forward through dentist appointments and use the “slow” button for when the alarm rings in the morning.

And perhaps this is why I haven’t posted a blog entry since the SuperBowl, I was on “pause.”

Now I’m back, babies.

But not in a creepy way.

Congratulations NY Giants

I'm not going to pretend that I'm normally a NYG fan but the Giants defense was great all game and Eli Manning delivered when it counted.

And does anyone know what happens to all those suddenly incorrect "New England Patriots Superbowl XLII Champions" hats and t-shirts ? Are there going to be a lot of the homeless sporting Tom Brady clothing next week?

You've Reached 911. If you have just discovered an unresponsive body, please hang up now and call an Olsen twin

NYPD: 4 Calls to Olsen Instead of 911

Heath Ledger's death is tragic. For that reason, and pretty much only that reason, I'm not going to continue the riff about the Olsens or any of the Full House cast members. I could, oh I could, but I choose not to. You're welcome.

Instead I'll suggest you, if you are ever faced with even a vaguely similar situation, call 911 first and your mutual acquaintance second.

Please apply the same rule to car accidents with injuries. Please call 911 first and your spouse second.

Pretty please?

One more thing about Heath Ledger's death: it brings to mind the death of another young actor, Brandon Lee. Perhaps it's the curse of the make up artists.

Heath Ledger as The Joker

Brandon Lee in The Crow

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Here's the response to my request for old watches. Fantastic, you guys are great. Special thanks to LC !!

All Tied Up - My Take

To Untie or Not To Untie... Here's the question

My thoughts:

1) I am certain I would call 911.

2) In the time it took for the phone to be answered I would take a look around and confirm where I am. This is a must. There are so many folks who call without knowing where they are.

3) I’m pretty sure I’d stay there, definitely if I was in a vehicle. My dog is little and she’s blind so she would not provide me any security.

4) My personal security trumps the security of the tied up person. I am not going to walk into the garage. No effin’ way. I’m happy to call for help right freakin’ now but I’m not going to put myself in a house not my own where the bad guy is potentially still there.

5) I’m not so sure I’d untie the person in the car. Here’s why:

a) it’s a crime scene

b) in my jurisdiction, help will be there pretty darn quick

c) someone took the time to tie this person up. Was it so this person wouldn’t get away or was it so the other person *could* get away.

If you see an older white male with kind eyes and excellent diction tied to a hand-truck do you think it’s robbery victim grandpa or that it’s Hannibal Lecter?

Which then leads me to think about race and age. Would my actions change based upon these things? I’d hope not but I honestly think I might make a snap judgment based upon the subject’s number of tattoos, piercings, and clothing choices. Does this make me a bad person?

Dunno but it makes me a cautious person. How about you?

~~ And to answer John: these scenarios are based upon real events. In the style of Car Talk Puzzlers, I've added a heaping helping of obfuscation. This is to avoid the potential of spilling beans.

All Tied Up

These situations are fictional. Any resemblance to past, present, or future situations are completely coincidental. That being said, what would you do?

Situation #1: Say you are walking your dog and notice a neighbor’s garage door is partially open. Nothing else appears amiss so you continue your walk. Several hours later you walk the dog again and the garage door has not been closed. Being curious you look, from the street, under the door and notice someone tied to a chair which has been knocked over. The person is squirming to untie him or herself.

Situation #2: As you drive out of your neighborhood you notice a car parked along the road. There’s nothing special about the car but the fact that it’s parked along the road instead of in a driveway makes it more noticeable. When you drive back home hours later the car is still there so you drive past more slowly and look inside. In the back seat you see a subject hog-tied and when they see that you have stopped, they look at you pleadingly.

I’m going to assume that you are going to call 911 in both situations. This is not a business-line police call and I’m assuming you agree that you shouldn’t just go home and blog about it without rendering some sort of aid.

Under those rules, I have a couple of questions and they apply to both situations:

Assuming the subject was restrained but not having any difficulty breathing would you attempt to untie the person?

Would it make a difference whether the person was a male or a female?

Would it make a difference whether the person was a young adult or an elderly person?

Would it make a difference whether the person was Caucasian or a minority? Would any particular minority change your mind?

I have definite thoughts but I’m curious what YOU think.

photo: Severance - British Horror Movie

It's Too Cold For Little Paws

Yeah, she hated this at first but it has been below zero for a couple of days and her little feet freeze pretty quickly when she walks through snow (which she likes to do). It's either this or have to carry her home mid-walk.

And the booties are a crowd pleaser.

The Toilet Bowl

Mr. Pasta needed a suitable trophy for the person in last place in his fantasy football league. Mrs. Pasta was unable to find a Barbie toilet bowl or some similar gag gift without purchasing the whole Barbie interior design and home decorating package. She offered me the challenge of creating a Toilet Bowl trophy.

and here it is:


I'll add that the lack of refinement and precision in the toilet bowl itself is actually on purpose. I can't very well spend a week sanding and buffing and reworking a last place trophy, can I?

The trophy base itself was purchased at Value Village for $1.99 and originally included a big silver guy bowling. Of course I kept the bowler. One never knows when he'll need to create something involving a silver guy bowling.

ShoeBuy.com + TLG*GREATFN = I'm still angry

What really pisses me off about being suckered by TLG*GREATFN, Trilegiant, GreatFunonline.com, or whatever they call themselves is that we walked into a transaction with clean hands and were burned.

It would be different if I was buying, for instance, used panties online. After all, if one traffics in used panties one can expect some shitty service.* Similarly you cannot expect great customer service and integrity from your drug dealer or favorite prostitute.

But my lovely bride was buying SHOES! Not even some kind of crazy expensive Sex in the City shoes, just plain ol’ Skechers knock-around shoes.

So it’s especially off-pissing** that it would be a shoe distributor www.ShoeBuy.com who would try to screw the citizenry by sneaking in a shady deal by TLG*GREATFN, Trilegiant, Greatfunonline.com, or whatever they call themselves.

Can you tell that this irritates me to no end?

Bastards.

*I’m not even apologizing for this pun.

** “off pissing” is probably not grammatically correct but it should be

TLG*GREATFN = Sneaky Sons of Bitches, part 2

Yesterday Kelli called Trilegiant Great Fun to cancel the bogus monthly membership fee foisted upon her when she attempted to buy shoes at Shoebuy.com and boy howdy was it fun.

She reached a lovely woman who identified herself as Rachel. Evidently Bangalore, India Television must carry reruns of ‘Friends.’

‘Rachel’ asked Kelli why she wanted to cancel her membership. Kelli said that it was because she was tricked into it, don’t want it, never wanted it, and believes it’s a scam.

“Bearing that in mind,” read ‘Rachel’ from her computer-prompted sales script, “do you realize that by continuing your membership that you can save 50% on blah, blah, yadda, yadda, eep op ork ah ah…”

“I realize it and still don’t want it,” Kelli replied.

“Bearing that in mind,” ‘Rachel' continued undeterred, “we’ll continue the membership, okay?”

Kelli paused just a second, gobsmacked by the incredible gall of these people.

“No. No, I don’t want to continue the membership. I called to cancel the membership so I want the membership cancelled and I want that $11.99 charge refunded to my card. And I’d like that done now, thank you.”

At that point 'Rachel' agreed to cancel the membership and refund the money. But still…

Avoid these folks and avoid the companies that are affiliated with them, which I now understand include: deepdiscount.com, deepdiscountdvd.com, buy.com, shoebuy.com, cheaptickets.com, and possibly priceline.com and orbitz.com.

Oh and say you want $20 in free gas from Exxon / Mobil :

Simple & Secure Enrollment with Continuous Savings, Easy Billing, and a Money-Back Guarantee. Try the service with the first month, for $1. Your membership will be extended automatically for an additional eleven months at the $119.99 annual membership fee, and automatically renewed annually at the then-current fee, billed to the credit or debit card you provide unless you call toll free during your 1 month trial to cancel. You can call any time to cancel and get the unused portion of your then-current annual fee returned. The $20.00 ExxonMobil Cash Card is yours to keep.

Fuckers

TLG*GREATFN = Sneaky Sons of Bitches

Kelli was balancing her checkbook Sunday and came across an $11.99 charge on her debit card from a company called TLG*GREATFN posted 1/02/08. Since the 2^nd was a Wednesday and we run a lot of errands on Wednesdays, she was only curious at first which one of the couple of stops we made bill their charges as TLG*GREATFN. We conferred and couldn’t think of anything. She called the 800 number listed on the bill but only reached a recording saying that Great Fun was not open on Sundays.

By then we were a little concerned about credit card fraud so we looked up TLG*GREATFN on the internet. Bingo. It turns out many people have found charges ranging from $8.99 to $111.99 on their cards and have tracked it back to buying products online from Buy.com, Shoebuy.com, et al.

Kelli ordered a pair of shoes from Shoebuy.com in November. Several weeks later they emailed her saying that the shoes were out of stock and they order had been canceled.

Upon further review she remembered that after her order had been completed on Shoebuy.com there was a pop-up window offering a $10 rebate on her shoes. Had she opted out of this offer there would have been no problem but the fine print, which she admittedly didn’t read thoroughly, said that the $10 rebate was courtesy not of Shoebuy.com but of this company called Trilegiant. By leaving the opt-in box checked on that pop-up, Kelli agreed to try out a membership service which offers discounts on blah, blah, blah – certainly nothing in Alaska – and that while the first month was free there would be a monthly charge and they would use the SAME CREDIT CARD SHE USED ON SHOEBUY.COM.

One little checkbox authorized them to take the credit card info from one company and use it for theirs.

Is this fraud? Probably not. There was some fine print and we could have opted out.

But is it ethical? No Fucking Way. They obviously count on people not canceling their subscription and not noticing such a small monthly charge. Fuckers. If you Google TLG*GREATFN you’ll see how many loudmouthed people they’ve taken. I can only guess there have been many many more that haven’t posted online about their difficulties. The only positive comments I’ve read mention that they remembered to cancel in time so it was worth their effort for the $10 rebate.

How’s that for a ringing endorsement of a product? “I didn’t mind because I canceled their service immediately. “ That should be their company motto.

We immediately disputed the charge and are in the process of contacting Trilegiant to cancel the service which we never used and didn’t want.

Sooooo. Two lessons learned:

1) We’ll both be very careful that when buying products online we are only ordering the product in question and not some added “service” at a monthly fee. Those rat bastards at Trilegiant are not going to get any money from us.

2) Neither is Shoebuy.com, Buy.com, or any other e-merchants who have any relationship with Trilegiant. If we see a pop up offering us anything after the fact, we’ll cancel the original order and find another place to buy our products even if it costs us more money.

And one lesson reinforced:

Check your bank statements and question yourself about those little charges.

Don’t let the bastards win!

Skinny G for VP ?

This is going to be a fun year. We’ll have a new president.

At this point (and yes it’s very early still) it appears that no candidate is either all that innovative or exciting. However, it also appears that unless something crazy happens our new president will be less arrogant and more responsive that the current administration.

That’s me being polite.

One exciting thing is that our own governor: Sarah "Skinny White Chocolate Latte Gets It All Over Town" Palin (aka "Skinny G") has been mentioned as a possible running-mate to the eventual Republican candidate.


The thinking is this: Republicans have an image of being old, male, and corrupt. Skinny G is young, female, and is so ethical that the Alaska Republican party disowns her at every opportunity (because she’s called them out on their corruption).

Plus, in comparison to all the other Republican candidates, she’s smokin’ hot.
Everyone but Romney is pretty ugly and Romney seems a little plastic.

A lot of folks see Mitt Romney and think “Big Love”

but I see him and think “Nip/Tuck.”





And if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination, how better to undercut her femininity than to provide your own female – but younger, prettier, and with less scent of corruption?



I’m not a Republican but I voted for Skinny G with great enthusiasm. I’d likely do it again in a Presidential election.

On the other hand, if it comes down to Clinton vs Guiliani or Clinton vs Huckabee, I'm going be hard pressed who to vote *against*. Obama is an interesting candidate and I'd vote for him but we'll see if he can pull off the rest of the primaries.

I think I'd actually become a campaign volunteer if I was offered the bold bipartisan ticket of Edwards/Palin.

Johnny E and Skinny G.

Has a nice ring to it, don't it?

Merry Christmas

To you and yours, I wish you a very merry Christmas tomorrow.

And to those of you who do not celebrate Christmas:

Happy Tuesday!

Games People Play

This is going to sound like whining or some sort of plea but it’s neither, it’s just the facts: my desktop computer is past her prime. She can do everything I *need* to do (internet functions, Word, Photoshop, etc.,) but about twice a year I get a hankering for play a video game. I understand I don’t have a high-falutin’ gaming machine but I expect to be able to play games in the $9.99 bin at the Fred Meyer. But noooo. Blah, blah, blah, pixel shader 1.1 needed, blah blah blah. Last month I bought 2 games and I can’t play either. Pisses me off to no end. And I don’t want to spend the money for an actual gaming system like PlayStation3 or Xbox of Wii (which would be guaranteed to play the appropriate games) because my attention-span only justifies the $20 a year expense.

Since I can’t play high tech graphic intensive games I’ve stumbled onto an online game which has become a bit addiction: BlogShares (B$) The Fantasy Blog Stock Market.

The idea is you start with a little bit of play money and your own blog and then sell shares in your blog and trade them on the overall blog market, etc.

Think “day trading” for blogs.

Check it out, it’s free*, and … well, it doesn’t require a pixel shader 1.1 compatible graphics card.

Click HERE B$ and I get credit for your clickage (although it's not enough to get all excited about).


Photo taken from http://chanceandcary.blogspot.com

*and by free I mean you get access to better tools if you buy a $15 per year Premium membership but it still falls under that $20 figure and it's cheaper than porn... or at least that's what I've been told.

Prostitution and You

In my state (and likely in yours) prostitution is against the law. There are all sorts of compelling arguments for making the act of exchanging sex for money perfectly legal and I’m all for keeping the government out of one’s sex life…

However…

Prostitution is not a victimless crime. Who are the victims?

The Customer

Prostitutes will rip you off!

There’s the hooker rip-off that goes:

Take a paid companion to your deluxe suite at the motor lodge and in your post-coital period of incoherence she (or he) takes your wallet, your jewelry, and possibly your motor vehicle. This happens a lot.

Then there’s the hooker rip-off that goes:

Accompany your temporary love connection to HER (or his) suite at the motor lodge and just inside the doorway her (or his) friend or friends beat the living crap out of you. Then they take your wallet, your jewelry, and possibly your motor vehicle. This qualifies as ‘no happy ending.’

The Sex Worker

Hookers get the crap beaten out of them by their customers, the coworkers, and their supervisors. Not all pimps are like Huggy Bear.

Hookers get raped and hookers get killed.

I’ll say that again: Prostitutes get killed.

Very few people deserve to die a violent death.

And then there are the drugs.

Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll might be all sexy in the movies. But any sort of work to support your drug habit must suck. Okay that’s an unfortunate pun.

Hookers and drugs go together like Forrest and Jenny. And yes, sometimes people die at the end of the story of a mysterious virus and leave widowers and motherless children.

All of these crimes are underreported because of the nature of the business. If you are already engaging in an illegal enterprise, chances are you won’t find a sympathetic ear when it all goes bad. See also: reporting your drug dealer stole from you.

No one deserves to have violence perpetrated against them. I am sympathetic to any victim of violence in any setting (at least professionally) yet I’ll admit that it’s pretty funny sometimes to talk to some guy who had his car stolen by a prostitute.

You can tell from the get-go that they are leaving something important out of the story. There’s usually a lot of um’s and ah’s and hemming and hawing. Especially hawing. All kinds of hawing.

I’m professional but there is a point all the circular answers that I usually have to say “Jimmy, I don’t suppose this new friend of yours was a prostitute, was she?” Sometimes they come clean (again with the bad puns).

The most comic/tragic scenario is when the husband was driving his wife’s vehicle and the hooker steals it. So he’s definitely going to have some ‘splainin’ to do at home.

I feel for that guy. And by “feel for” I mean “oh man, it sucks to be you.”

So what’s our lesson today, boys and girls?

When it comes to a "ho," just say "no."

Photo found at http://carynnotincluded.blogspot.com

Check out her blog, there is good stuff in there.

sometimes it's them, sometimes it's us

Them:

I took a call Friday at 10:00am from a guy reporting his wife as a missing person. They have a paper route and she got up at 02:30 to start the delivery process and he was too sick or too tired or both to do the route so she left by herself in something of a huff over his lack of participation. When he woke up just before 10, he became concerned because even angry she should have been home by then. The newspaper wasn’t very helpful telling him if there were complaints about missed papers.

So I started colleting information and I got to the part of the conversation which goes: does she have another job?

Caller: yeah, she works for the State, the Department of (Blah blah blah).

Me: um, would she normally be at work right now?

Caller: uuuuuuuum. wait. Yes, yes she should. It's Friday, right? Oh man, I thought it was Saturday.

Another missing person case closed.

Us:

A coworker got a call about a male and female having a physical fight inside a vehicle. To clarify what was actually happening we are trained to elicit specific details. Unfortunately in the heat of the moment a calltaker might choose the wrong words.

Calltaker: You saw them physically fighting? Okay, tell me what you saw: was he slapping her or, um, fisting her?

Eeeyow.

Kelli and Sugarbaby