Thursday, September 01, 2005

Run Away From This Movie



The Worst Movie Ever

“The Brown Bunny” written, directed, produced, edited, and starred in by Vincent Gallo. Co-starring the talented Chloe Sevigny.

Let me first say that I thought Chloe Sevigny was great in Kids, Palmetto, The Last Days of Disco, and If These Walls Could Talk 2. Of the movies mentioned, only Kids and Walls 2 are actually a movie I would recommend by themselves, the former because it was innovative and it has a good message and the latter because it is terribly well done and terribly sad in places.

That being said, I now know why “The Brown Bunny” was boo’ed in Cannes. I rented it from NetFlix simply to see what the hub-bub was about.

SPOILER ALERT !! READ NO MORE IF YOU
THINK THAT YOU MUST WATCH THIS
CORN-STUDDED TURD OF A MOVIE


The plot is actually sort of interesting. It’s basically this: Man on cross-country road trip is attracted to women with flower names, Violet, Lilly, and Rose, because his one true love is a woman named Daisy. Daisy is missing from his life for reasons unknown at the beginning of the movie. At the end we meet Daisy who is a crack-head prostitute who somehow broke Man’s heart. Daisy performs graphically filmed oral sex on Man. Man climaxes, in her mouth, and then rejects her because she is such a whore. She then explains that he misunderstood, way back when, what he had seen when they were together last.

What he remembers is that they got separated during a party and he opened a door to find her getting gang-banged. He is shocked and turns away. Later she is removed from the party, dead on a stretcher.

She explains that she had smoked some crack or pot or something, had passed out and was raped by these guys at the party. So she wasn’t a whore after all.

The End.

Okay… That would have probably made for a good movie except for two things: Vincent and Gallo.

I don’t know why anyone would find Vincent Gallo attractive, but let’s say you do. Or let’s replace Vinnie with someone you actually find attractive. Really. Get a mental picture of whatever real person or actor you find attractive. Got it? Good. Now picture 60+ minutes of a 96 minute movie watching your sexy actor’s ear and greasy hair as he drives across country, not talking. Sixty minutes. I swear, I fast-forwarded through big chunks of time where nothing happened except he drove, not talking.

And then picture him getting a blowjob by Chloe Sevigny. Then picture Chloe Sevigny on a bed with two guys, much less graphically.

That’s it folks. If you want porn, go rent porn. If you want a brooding art movie, rent “Henry Fool” or a number of other movies in which Vincent Gallo’s name is not mentioned.




I think I remember finding “Buffalo ‘66” kind of interesting in a gritty, low-budget way. I’m not going to watch it again to find out.

Vinnie, I’m giving your movie NO STARS. In fact, come on over because you owe ME some stars. That and the hour I watched (deducting the fast forwarding of the DVD which I actually watching, but faster and no less entertaining) of your crap movie.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I heard another reviewer hating this movie as well. I didn't even know about it and still not interested

-E said...

Oh I hated it. I think it was Vincent Gallo's excuse to video tape himeself getting a bj. It was an AWFUL movie. Horrible in every aspect- script, lighting, sound, directing, acting, camera.... The only redeeming value is that it ends!

Anonymous said...

Eric.

You kick so much candy ass it's not even funny. You are my new hero, wanna know why "READ NO MORE IF YOU THINK THAT YOU MUST WATCH THIS CORN-STUDDED TURD OF A MOVIE".
Corn studded turd, before I hopped online I thought my day could not get any better. Yet surprises are nice especially when it come it the form of the phrase "CORN-STUDDED TURD". You should seriously do movie reviews for a living. Thanks for brightening my day.

Eric said...

Mona - you're right to not be interested

-e, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes. What did the screenplay look like? Page 14, Clay drives
Page 25, Clay's still driving
Page 46, Clay's driving at night
Page 86, Daytime again, Clay's driving
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

CD - did someone say 'candy?' Happy to brighten your day. Hug Lena, did I mention that?

Gossip Queen said...

O run from Monster in LAW with J-lo and J-Fo!

Eric said...

GQ - thanks for stopping by. And "J-Fo" that's hilarious.

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